Fear

I should be ecstatic, I should have tears of joy shining in my eyes, But as I watch the ultrasound I feel a gut wrenching pain inside. I am unable to attach myself to this reality, I backtrack in time back to our twins.. back to that tragedy. I find myself gasping within this room with walls that are much to close, I desperately want this baby but I cannot spark that hope. I remember vividly being held within your arms shaking, When they told me our twins hearts had stopped and not faded. I remember stark pain that tore through me and left my lungs feeling raw. From the screams that raked through me and how much blood I saw. I cant touch my stomach without cringing out of fear. How could i put so much love into a baby who might not join us here... How can I explain to you that when I held my breath... I was imaging not giving birth but a stillborn on my chest. I can't force these lungs to expand under the pressure of my ribs.. To see that look within your eyes there's nothing I wouldn't give. My love I'm terrified... I dont know what words to say to make you see I feel less like my self and there's an emptiness in me. They call this normal. It's to be expected. My body is a barren place where my Hope had been rejected. I am struggling with the fact I now carry another beating heart... I don't think I could handle it.. if this baby were to part.