Favorite Person

I hoped that you could still speak to me in pain, and never let me leave your arms. I hope you never forget me. I write to you, my favourite person, wishing that you’d read. Hoping you’d hear my inner screams. As I type in the cold, holding my breathe, hitting my chest, pretending to be strong. Even when I said things I didn’t mean. why did you turn out to be my favourite? do you realize the mess I’m in? I always end up getting the wrong ones again after so long. I had a dream, a nightmare, I didn’t want it to come through I thought you’d be close to me for a while I hoped you wouldn’t leave me like he did. that has been my biggest fear. that has been the scariest part of my life. that nothing lasts. It’s either black or white. everyone would leave me like he did. I have been the unhappiest girl, just trying to be happy, why did you trigger me like this? why did you utter my healing process? why did you offer a fake paradise for rest? why were you so kind? So caring, why did you act so different from my father? when you’d just leave me and break me in pieces like he did. why did you make me fall in the first place? why didn’t you just let me sink? why did you give the love I yawned for? why did you trick me into this? into the thought of you being real. I didn’t let everything you said go straight to my head But the memories did. I was so hurt, I’ve been putting all my emotions together and it was ready to outburst badly. It was pouring and I just wanted to soak up in the rain along with my tears. I walked in it and I was shivering. Then I saw ice, little pieces of ice falling down to the ground as they melt. They were so much, was I hallucinating? felt like they were flogging me to go back. I was so scared. So scared of the ice, I had never see that before. And the thundering…. I get frightened by it too, so I ran, I ran back home in tears all wet. Got a change of my clothes and continued sobbing in shivers on my couch. I want you to feel me when you’re with someone else when you kiss her, when you look at her, when you touch her. think about me when it rains and know I’m scared to death. I miss you so much, so much I wish I missed the first time I saw you. don’t let my tears stop you. come get me one more time. don’t come back! don’t come back at all!! I can do it, I’ll get through it. I'll stop bleeding from BPD. you just never understood it. I'm m sorry. I'm m sorry. I hate you, I love you. I hope to forgive you.