Empty

Easily are fires put out by tears and fears There is a heaviness I feel in the darkness It was once all lit up all around me— I was so prideful, so immersed in it I felt so safe and warm, and happy Who was I really fooling? I instead wander my miserable dreams I write to you desperately And can barely form the words Just write it, write it, I need to know the truth: “What did I do wrong?” I only tried to salvage us In this futile vision I tried to save this world As the rest of life was crumbling Who am I but this lost little girl, Trapped by my own swallowed shame? Who am I but this mess I made? These words—these words I have formed Have broken us No— Have broken me The familiarity of awfulness pervades I want to crawl into some form of purpose Because all I can really do is crawl— But where can any light be found? Because I cannot face yours I need one that cannot be put out By these sobs of remorse Whatever can I say, To make this desolation go away? Whatever can I do, Whatever can I hope? I heard in my dreams— The hollowness, I heard the word “empty” being repeated, Being buried into my skin Becoming a part of me You say “live” To fill myself with courage And confidence that I lack You say “face it” While I am staring at what you left behind All of my emptiness and nothing more You say “nothing is stopping you” But oh how you are wrong Everything about this life is stopping me My very mind is stopping me How can you know how that feels? How can I stand up and face another day? Without even understanding why I even wake up? I would much rather wander my dreams, Waiting for your answer, Facing the emptiness That familiar tingle of despair Than to face reality— Your cruel silence My soundless, soulless roar May 1, 2018