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Poem

Easily are fires put out by tears and fears
There is a heaviness I feel in the darkness
It was once all lit up all around me—
I was so prideful, so immersed in it
I felt so safe and warm, and happy
Who was I really fooling?

I instead wander my miserable dreams
I write to you desperately
And can barely form the words
Just write it, write it,
I need to know the truth:
“What did I do wrong?” 
I only tried to salvage us
In this futile vision
I tried to save this world
As the rest of life was crumbling

Who am I but this lost little girl,
Trapped by my own swallowed shame?
Who am I but this mess I made?
These words—these words I have formed
Have broken us
No—
Have broken me

The familiarity of awfulness pervades 
I want to crawl into some form of purpose
Because all I can really do is crawl—
But where can any light be found?
Because I cannot face yours 
I need one that cannot be put out
By these sobs of remorse

Whatever can I say, 
To make this desolation go away?
Whatever can I do,
Whatever can I hope?
I heard in my dreams—
The hollowness, 
I heard the word “empty” being repeated,
Being buried into my skin
Becoming a part of me

You say “live”
To fill myself with courage
And confidence that I lack
You say “face it”
While I am staring at what you left behind
All of my emptiness and nothing more
You say “nothing is stopping you”
But oh how you are wrong
Everything about this life is stopping me
My very mind is stopping me
How can you know how that feels? 
How can I stand up and face another day?
Without even understanding why I even wake up?

I would much rather wander my dreams,
Waiting for your answer,
Facing the emptiness
That familiar tingle of despair 
Than to face reality— 
Your cruel silence
My soundless, soulless roar

May 1, 2018

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