Derailed

A pitch black room
Resonates with silence
That's choking me;
Extreme cold, rain, wind 
Doesn't even move me now.

The sound of peace 

Is bothering, distracting 
Consumed with fragments of laughter;
They feel like knives 
Stabbing damaged flesh.
It's real!
This is real!
I am real!

Alone I am again 
Under my sheets
I try not to falter
To break down, to let myself be seen.
Silent gasps are to be suffocated
Only at night;
No mortal shall see
That I am human, week and hurting too.

Violet, blue, then yellow
Accidents purposely done
Body trauma arises
Mental health crumbles
The road to hell deepens
Failure's so close
I can feel the shiver;
Eyes are closing
Thoughts refuse to focus
Mind is blocked
Emotions fear to show
Mouth can't utter
What heart really longs and wishes.

Beyond doubt I'm losing
I'm the only one to know and blame
Who else knows about this never-ending game?

The thought of pain
Erases sanity
I need to abuse myself
A flame of hurt I need to feel
My skin is burning
Fingers impatiently caress
Self damaged tissue
Longing for the same sensation.
It can't, it will never be experienced again.

With memories I sink
I can't breathe
The air I've just exhaled
It's like poison.

I'd bleed tears
If I could make it go away
I'd bleed red
If I knew scars would fade.

sadfree verse

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