Derailed

A pitch black room Resonates with silence That's choking me; Extreme cold, rain, wind Doesn't even move me now. The sound of peace Is bothering, distracting Consumed with fragments of laughter; They feel like knives Stabbing damaged flesh. It's real! This is real! I am real! Alone I am again Under my sheets I try not to falter To break down, to let myself be seen. Silent gasps are to be suffocated Only at night; No mortal shall see That I am human, week and hurting too. Violet, blue, then yellow Accidents purposely done Body trauma arises Mental health crumbles The road to hell deepens Failure's so close I can feel the shiver; Eyes are closing Thoughts refuse to focus Mind is blocked Emotions fear to show Mouth can't utter What heart really longs and wishes. Beyond doubt I'm losing I'm the only one to know and blame Who else knows about this never-ending game? The thought of pain Erases sanity I need to abuse myself A flame of hurt I need to feel My skin is burning Fingers impatiently caress Self damaged tissue Longing for the same sensation. It can't, it will never be experienced again. With memories I sink I can't breathe The air I've just exhaled It's like poison. I'd bleed tears If I could make it go away I'd bleed red If I knew scars would fade.