Confused

I am confused When I say I’m OK, but I’m not, people leave me alone. When I finally say how I’m feeling, I get ignored. When I most need a friend, they are nowhere to be seen. When I want to be left alone, they are flocked by my side. When I am with someone, they say they love me, but then they cheat on me, or let me go. They say I’m nice, but I don’t feel like I am. They say I’m cute, but I don’t believe it. I ask for the wrong kind of attention. Never finding actual love, I go and find a substitute. It’s wrong, but I need someone to pretend, to pretend they care for me, to pretend I matter. But something’s eating at my mind. Why? Why me? Why now? Why can’t I be something else. Something that I can be proud of. Right now I am disgusted with myself. What do I do? I am so confused. I need help.