Closure

I create shelter inside my head Constantly seeking external validation and words of affirmation Perpetuating these routines and these words Unconditionally curious for the future: That is what you mean to me Yet I set back the clock and find a time in the cycle Where you love me and I hate myself I scream for help with broken vocal chords And you proclaim that I’m wonderful I will pretend I don’t believe you There are 50 more things I want to say to you How incomplete and scattered I would be if I never knew you How we created this space around ourselves and we are stuck in it I tell you I am feeling bad And I am feeling bad And there is nothing in this world worth living for And I pretend like that is the truth Repeating words and phrases like my own verses As if I could ever convince you The world without me is much more habitable As if I could convince myself that I am really real And these are my hands I am staring at And these are the consequences of my inaction I am glaring at You hold my life in your hands, you know that? If you really thought I was unworthy I’d be dead I need you to know I believed every word you said About who I was and what I was meant to be But I still ran it down through my head; Maybe it’s worth being this terrible if you’re close to me Thoughts and pieces of memories replay in my mind To try and comprehend how and why we arrived here I look back and I’m not sure where the story starts or where it ends This timeline in a jumbled knot Still carefully intertwined and I am content with it Put all my energy into forgetting it so I would pay no mind to it One of my greatest fears? That we can never be okay as long as we’re together But you promise and promise to stay by my side I let go of all obligations I have to exist in others’ lives Maybe it’s the way I treat myself like poison Afraid that it’ll kill you if I love you But I love you and I love you and I can’t stop loving you And I’ll try not to be dishonest and say you don’t love me too