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I create shelter inside my head
Constantly seeking external validation and words of affirmation
Perpetuating these routines and these words
Unconditionally curious for the future:
That is what you mean to me

Yet I set back the clock and find a time in the cycle
Where you love me and I hate myself
I scream for help with broken vocal chords
And you proclaim that I’m wonderful
I will pretend I don’t believe you

There are 50 more things I want to say to you
How incomplete and scattered I would be if I never knew you
How we created this space around ourselves and we are stuck in it
I tell you I am feeling bad
And I am feeling bad
And there is nothing in this world worth living for
And I pretend like that is the truth

Repeating words and phrases like my own verses
As if I could ever convince you
The world without me is much more habitable
As if I could convince myself that I am really real
And these are my hands I am staring at
And these are the consequences of my inaction I am glaring at

You hold my life in your hands, you know that?
If you really thought I was unworthy I’d be dead
I need you to know I believed every word you said
About who I was and what I was meant to be
But I still ran it down through my head;
Maybe it’s worth being this terrible if you’re close to me

Thoughts and pieces of memories replay in my mind
To try and comprehend how and why we arrived here
I look back and I’m not sure where the story starts or where it ends
This timeline in a jumbled knot
Still carefully intertwined and I am content with it
Put all my energy into forgetting it so I would pay no mind to it

One of my greatest fears?
That we can never be okay as long as we’re together
But you promise and promise to stay by my side
I let go of all obligations I have to exist in others’ lives

Maybe it’s the way I treat myself like poison
Afraid that it’ll kill you if I love you
But I love you and I love you and I can’t stop loving you
And I’ll try not to be dishonest and say you don’t love me too
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