Body Count

i lost my wallet a few weeks ago, while i was sitting on the rainwashed beach, after my truest love had just been married, for the fourth time, and i just realized it today. that's the kind of man i am. i had a ride home. i ate dinner at my family's house every night except when i found a twenty dollar bill lying on the grass twice, once in a dream and once for real. it never occurred to me to reach for my wallet, it never occurred to me to change my pants, for that matter; my old true love was gone, and i had nowhere to go. and no one i wanted to see. when the fields by the road are bare and rich with a nudity no man ever sees any more, when the rain is a music so lovely because it's a sound made by no one and nothing, so you know that the feeling behind it has to be real, when all you want is to share a drink, share a car ride, or a walk, or a Christmas dinner, with the one you love. and they're in another state, living another world, another personality that does different things, says different things, than the way you used to know, and you wonder: is it possible that they move the same way, that they hold their head at the same angle and lower their eyes when they walk with that humble, shy pride of a beautiful creature whose image no painter ever did justice... if they tilt their head in the same way when they laugh from true joy, as they did when they were with you; or did they leave that behind too; with the notes that called you a different sentimental name whenever they came to see you, knowing you wouldn't be at home... with the trash they left on your floor, because you couldn't let go of them long enough to walk to the can, or even the other can when you shivered together outside after long walks in the rain... it was always raining. as if that was the whole reason or the symbol that gets us coming and going, because of the flow, the never-ending life that has to dry up and disappear, so it can come again more strongly, and more hard. i'm not one to count money. i count bodies, they're more interesting, and more unique. and they're more quick to go; money always remains the same no matter how much or how little it gives you. bodies give you something more. it's a dying art, counting bodies. and i never hurt anyone.