Big Girls Do Cry

They expected her to be the jolly fun one. The one w e a r i n g a smile on her face. So she became.....who they wanted her to be She was quick with her wit, telling her practiced fat jokes. It was a pre-emptive strike of sorts her attempt to remove the target from what some thought was her "considerable ass". Never again wanting to be the "butt" of people's jokes! She remembers the year she was "Chubby Checker" the year her parents gave her that checkered jacket she also remembers how hard she cried. They laughed, and one boy sang "Big Girls Don't Cry----- they don't cry!" She vowed to herself on that very day "I will never ever cry again!" There were the many diets the yo yo effect..."Yo big girl, lookin good" Friends asking her “have you lost weight?" Those "good for you’s!!!! The attention felt good in a way but the weight she'd lose seemed to come back the next day. Somehow the cursed food felt like her only true friend the only one on whom she could depend. The food never judged her instead it filled the empty sad part the part that weighed nothing yet felt like it weighed a thousand pounds! The part that felt lighter when she was full it somehow felt like a hug from the inside. She stopped eating in public not wanting to hear comments like "she could do without that ice cream." There were also the buffet comments "She's going to get her money's worth!" Still what hurt even worse were the nice people the trying to be kind people the ones who felt sorry for her people Saying "all you need to do is lose a few pounds." or "you have such a pretty face." Some people would tell her "You're just big boned." Then there was comment she hated the most "You have such a great personality!" For she knew it was all part of the "Fat Girl Show" the persona she had gifted to them. Then came the day that epic day she stopped joking. When she smiled when she wanted to smile when she dressed in the ways she wanted to dress. She embraced the form she was given she celebrated all her curves. She decided to eat when she was hungry nourishing and loving her body she allowed colorful foods to occupy her plate. Strangely, she started losing some weight but it wasn't her goal for inside she was becoming whole. Skinny was not who she needed to be! When tears came she allowed them to flow free she was no longer her own enemy The more she cried the less she felt her empty. She learned, everyone y e s.... everyone, has some kind of insecurity! No one is completely who they wish to be some have hidden bits others are more obvious, even if some are somewhat oblivious. She now has learned to be a compassionate witness one who is much kinder to herself she doesn’t keep her thoughts on a shelf So, when others make jokes or give painful pokes... She tells them "That's hurtful and it's not okay", "I am who I am and I'm perfect this way!" Maybe next time they will consider what they say. For today and tomorrow and every other day forward she is more than some number on a scale that she weighs or some joke in an insensitive phrase. She now can be and see her true self in extraordinary ways.