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Beneath the Lies

Burrows, tunnels, seeking an escape Searching for the light through darkened caverns Candle flame niches losing oxygen, sputtering in the dirt smoke swirls to earthen ceilings Hands and knees, crawling, digging Claw marks leading to where it ends…it never ends One told is one started like veins from a blistered tongue, each direction a web multiplying Connected by false intersections, stuck to stories, convinced they are deceiving those who fall prey Finding only rotted dreams and promises, staring up, looking through, facing fact, falling down, becoming what lies beneath the lies wanting only the truth… Written for the What Lies Beneath the Lies Poetry Contest Sponsored by: John Lawless

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Anthony Mark

Date: 2/16/2017 3:37:00 AM

Lacks personalisation , first line I assume two adverbs, very tame start to a strong title...perhaps " scratching! Raging! ...give the reader a taste of frustration, it's an ok write but I feel you missed the opportunity to feel the despair rather than just point it out...note ..the first words of any poem are the hook! ...Ian

Anthony Mark
Date: 2/16/2017 1:36:00 PM

Burrows and tunnels sound like a couple of poodles that got off the leash...change them, to stronger words, " Beneath the lie" is a nasty place to be....make the reader sit up and read...that being beneath the lie is harsh....trust me , it's only two words and they don't have to make sense....spitting, gouging, raging an escape"

Chris Green
Date: 2/16/2017 8:12:00 AM

Thanks, some great suggestions here. I didn't realize the first words of a poem were the hook, but I will keep that in mind in the future. I wasn't exactly trying to portray frustration in this as much as how it feels to be lied to, which I guess to some could be frustrating, to me it creates a sense of loneliness. Thanks again for your comments, they were very enlightening. Oh and as far as two adverbs, you've got me. I wouldn't know an adverb from a pronoun, I'm just dumb like that.