Being Ok With Myself

Being ok with myself is not some ordinary task it shouldn't be to much to ask But it's more than I can currently give at the moment I don't know what I was hoping but I have always thought that I was fine with the way that I was molding. I think secretly so deep down that nobody else could see, I had a problem with myself. I'm holding the biggest grudge and it's hurting. My insides are squirting blood and I know that might sound obscene but I used to know who I was now all I want to do is scream. I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. I want this excruciating pain to go away. I want to be able to confide in myself and feel like it's somewhere safe. I'm sick of running away. But I'm more scared to stay this way. Self hated can be devastating. I hate crying over things I can't change. I'm mad that things won't stay the same. I can't be a kid anymore and the adult world wants to hang me by the throat using my kid jump rope. I often lose hope. I crave a high but I'm to afraid to smoke I lie to myself more often than everybody else. Sometimes the sound of my own thoughts cut deeply inwards and out. Yet I rarely pout. I keep a smile. Even though rereading these rambles of mines makes me wanna be someone else. I wish I knew what was really wrong.