Shahana Jackson Poet Free verse

Being Ok With Myself

Being ok with myself
is not some ordinary task
it shouldn't be to much to ask
But it's more than I can 
currently give at the moment

I don't know what I was hoping
but I have always thought that
I was fine with the way 
that I was molding.
I think secretly so deep down
that nobody else could see,
I had a problem with myself.

I'm holding the biggest grudge 
and it's hurting.
My insides are squirting blood
and I know that might sound obscene 
but I used to know who I was
now all I want to do is scream.

I want to say what I mean 
and mean what I say.
I want this excruciating pain to go away.
I want to be able to confide in myself
and feel like it's somewhere safe.
I'm sick of running away.
But I'm more scared to stay this way. 

Self hated can be devastating. 
I hate crying over things I can't change.
I'm mad that things won't stay the same.
I can't be a kid anymore and the adult world
wants to hang me by the throat using 
my kid jump rope.

I often lose hope.
I crave a high but I'm to afraid to smoke
I lie to myself more often than everybody else.
Sometimes the sound of my own thoughts
cut deeply inwards and out.

Yet I rarely pout. 
I keep a smile.
Even though rereading these rambles
of mines makes me wanna be someone else.
I wish I knew what was really wrong.

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