Aspie
1—Milieu
Unique construction of body and mind
My niche in human pack not quickly found
Raw young heart of a curious design
The empty mirrors for my soul abound
Subjectively a bit odd to myself
A jangled, disconnected kind of sense
You’d really have to feel it for yourself
Bare toes in rougher grass, my side of fence
Surrounded by like minds, we all assume
This world of beings whose outsides look like ours
Belonging, my soul’s dream bound straight for doom
As if I’d flown a rocketship from Mars
I turn my back, but yet still feel their grins
At times it seems a penance for past sins
2—Hairshirt
At times, it seems a penance for past sins
This hairshirt of discomfort I have worn
Beneath my skin, wool sweater’s itch within
As if my past lives’ sins remain unshorn
My senses prone to overload, expend
Just like my mind, to peace they must return
A t-shirt tag could bother me no end
Yet bloodied elbows would escape concern
Vast sea of neon lights, eyes howling bright
My skull reverberates with common sound
A thousand Vegas strips eclipse my sight
Exquisite dullness, daggers soft abound
Bright deluge, hard sensations’ stormy squall
At times, my soul would fade into the wall
3—Fledgling
At times, my soul would fade into the wall
When I could not march to their beating drum
Fictitious rules apparent to them all
Ignored by most, my fate, hated by some
My heart is scalded, social asper-steam
Within me builds a silent asper-scream
The years of clumsy efforts don’t redeem
Relief, a frothing mug of aspercreme
I try to find the beat I cannot plumb
Although my overloaded senses hum
The human presence looms, I seek the numb
A frenzied fumble for my aspergum
The fairy tails I chased once seemed unmatched
To grow up in a dreamy world detached
4—Sinking
To grow up in a dreamy world detached
Illusions and delusions spread their wings
Again, again, my boyhood dreams were dashed
Stray child in charge of life, no good will bring
The poisoned rain did fail to bring relief
To run and hide within was my great lie
A deepened torrent, dark implosive grief
All sorrow that’s submerged is magnified
The spirit’s life for which I’d never reached
Until the fateful day, my first real prayer
Strong hallowed reed my drowning arm beseeched
Through desperation’s gift, my soul did dare
From darkness did my vagrant soul break free
Becoming the man I’m supposed to be
5—Integration
Becoming the man I’m supposed to be
A task not as straightforward as it sounds
The years drew mantle of success to me
Yet still my larger clan could not be found
My social self I’d tried to disavow
So often did I wish these needs would die
But luck, this curse my fate would not allow
Through many trials, my error rate so high
Within this maze, the rat had found no cheese
So weary now of feeling out of place
Their foreignness cannot be grasped with ease
Where are my people? I don’t see a trace
In this soul, vital difference would it make
For all the years I’d spent perfecting fake
6—Tribe
For all the years I’d spent perfecting fake
My heart, in large part, cowered underground
To ape the things that never could be mine
To be my own self seemed a risk profound
Occasions bring more friends across the rift
In parts and pieces, forming near a whole
A rare woman who can accept my gifts
Our small tribe hatched with love and kindred soul
At forty, I learned how to read a face
Such basic things with which you’re all endowed
My common sense uncommon, but my place
Becoming solid in my micro-crowd
Great challenge finding home where my heart sits
To figure out with my unaided wits
7—Of Understanding and Diagnosis
To figure out with my unaided wits
Awareness blossomed when I first did see
“Non-neurotypical,” whatever its
true meaning, doubtless it referred to me
Atypical, the wires under my skin
Atypical, my needs for contact too
Atypical, the fires that burn within
Atypical, these seeds my life imbued
Despite the careful wording in their books
The shrinks disparage us, their words betray
The path I find innate, it just might look
Compared to you, pervasively delayed
The Others you don’t get are not Unclean
Some scientists draw parallels between
8—Neanderthal Dream
Some scientists draw parallels between
Neanderthals and Asperger’s today
How ancient cavemen’s lives just might have been
The features, mind and body, seem to say:
Creative loners who seek their own place
Extinct, though hiding somewhere in our genes
An ancient mind lurks just behind my face
It seems we’re born to live in worlds between
Neanderthal projected forward, I’m
A lone wolf among pack dogs, number prime
In step and tune to my unique heart’s rhyme
A living museum piece who’s lost in time
This unexpected journey helped me find
Unique construction of body and mind
8/6/16
© Thomas W. Quigley
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