As Long As I Get Half the Money

Wendy Tawker - Caldwell County’s one and only realtor - called me up last Tuesday to inquire - were we ready To sell our home and build, or buy, a far much smaller place...and I’d informed her, “Prob’ly not...but let me talk to Betty. “She’s been whining constantly for six or seven months about the monster lawn we mow and monster tax we pay. We’ve mulled it over more than once...I promise you I’ll ask, then let you know by Friday what we’re thinking - either way.” That’s the way I left it. Then - on Thursday afternoon - a bunch of unexpected emails took me by surprise. A couple were for estimates from MOVERS...another - Wendy - and as I sat there reading them I couldn’t believe my eyes! “I found what you’ve been looking for,” Wendy’s started out, “a cozy little condo only 25 years old, With ceiling fans in every room so - when it’s super hot - you’ll never need to be concerned with staying nice and cold. “The furnace needs a little paint, but when you do the ceilings, you can use whatever’s left, once the stains are hid, To plug the cracks and stop the rust...should look good as new...then, Rusty - that’s my brother-in-law - ‘ll whip ya’ up a bid For swappin’ out the water heater! Rusty’s doing well. He loves to work with propane torches...not sure why that is... And tries real hard to stick to code...he also puts in toilets...the second number down’s my cell...the third one down is his.” Now, I’ve not seen a statement from our bank for quite some time, and - knowing Betty’s super frugal - I don’t make a fuss, But find it quite disturbing that the - “OUR” - has changed to - “MY” - whenever she refers to what has long belonged to - “US”! And when I catch her bragging on the things we’ve done -- together, rarely do I hear her use the proper pronoun --- “WE”! She tends to use, too frequently, the ones that make me cringe...and I’ve grown sick and tired of hearing only --- “I” - and - “ME”! But worst of all the emails was the one that came in last. A coldly disconcerting one...and this is what it said: “In case you haven’t found one yet, a friend of mine is selling just what you’ve been looking for...a real nice --- single bed!” The two of them, quite clearly, have been working on a plan that I’m just finding out about, and done so just by luck, And if, in fact, that ornery scag is fin’ly leaving me...as long as I get half the money...I don’t give a --- ‘darn’!