angry child

please … I beg you, forgive me I’ve been waiting … to grieve to let go of you properly but I can’t … all this time, I didn’t know like fingers, probing blackness I’ve been reaching hoping … praying for a tangible answer to wrap my digits around but … nothing oh, I’ve had moments of intense sadness instances of a loss incomparable and tears, intermittent, for the sake of others … but I have not felt that terrible ache of being separated from the most important person in my life it has made me question myself and all that spins about me because you were the hub of my universe and the floodgates should’ve opened but they won’t … and I finally know why - God help me, I finally know, and I am ashamed … because it comes down to one absurdly simple thing: I’m angry at you - I know … I know it’s awful and selfish and petty and small but there it is nonetheless you were a fighter you were the grandest, toughest little warrior I’ve ever known your entire life was spent fighting - for your independence, for happiness, for family you set a standard for survival that I’ve never seen in another you were the mama bear and we were your cubs … we wanted for nothing at all and were loved joyously but … heaven help me it ravaged my spirit to hear you say that you wanted to leave this life - that you had reached your limit of pain and suffering and a body that could no longer do what you needed it to I tried so hard to not let it show but it crushed me … I told you that it was OK I told you that if you needed to go then you should go and I said I would support it and then … you went. but you see, Mom, I lied … and I’m truly sorry for that - you were my soldier my hero my example of survival against all odds and yes, damn it, I wanted you to fight! I wanted you to survive like you always had I wanted to be more important than your pain I wanted to be worth that struggle I wanted to be more important to you than life itself … or death … it is quite possibly the most selfish thing I have ever wanted so please, oh please, dear, sweet, precious mother of mine I beg your clemency for I don’t know how to get past that anger I’ve never wanted anything more than to grieve for the dearest human I’ve ever known but whenever I feel my heart getting close to that realization it screams at the universe: why?!? why was I not worth fighting for? it’s childish, I know and I’m not proud of it … my being has been torn in half but the anger remains no matter how I process it … maybe this will help – maybe I just needed to write about it so please be patient with me, Mom please know that I miss you more than I’ve ever missed anything that the tears will come in due time and the grief will find me when the anger is behind me … but until then I’ll pray for one simple thing: your grace … you were the one who taught me that … after all. I love you, Mom