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Personal Note:
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Poem

please …

I beg you, forgive me
I’ve been waiting  … to grieve
to let go of you properly 
but I can’t …
all this time, I didn’t know 
like fingers, probing blackness 
I’ve been reaching 
hoping …
praying for a tangible answer to
wrap my digits around
but … nothing 
oh, I’ve had moments of intense sadness 
instances of a loss incomparable
and tears, intermittent, for the
sake of others …
but I have not felt that terrible ache
of being separated from the
most important person in my life
it has made me question myself and
all that spins about me
because you were the hub of my universe
and the floodgates should’ve opened
but they won’t …
and I finally know why -
God help me, I finally know,
and I am ashamed …
because it comes down to one
absurdly simple thing:
I’m angry at you -
I know …
I know it’s awful and selfish and
petty and small
but there it is nonetheless
you were a fighter
you were the grandest, toughest little
warrior I’ve ever known
your entire life was spent fighting -
for your independence, for happiness, for family
you set a standard for survival that
I’ve never seen in another
you were the mama bear and we
were your cubs …
we wanted for nothing at all
and were loved joyously
but … heaven help me
it ravaged my spirit to hear you say that
you wanted to leave this life -
that you had reached your limit of
pain and suffering
and a body that could no longer do
what you needed it to
I tried so hard to not let it show
but it crushed me …
I told you that it was OK
I told you that if you needed to go
then you should go
and I said I would support it
and then …
you went.
but you see, Mom, I lied …
and I’m truly sorry for that -
you were my soldier
my hero
my example of survival against all odds
and yes, damn it, I wanted you to fight!
I wanted you to survive like you always had
I wanted to be more important than your pain
I wanted to be worth that struggle
I wanted to be more important to you
than life itself …
or death …
it is quite possibly the most selfish thing
I have ever wanted
so please, oh please,
dear, sweet, precious mother of mine
I beg your clemency
for I don’t know how to get past that anger
I’ve never wanted anything more
than to grieve for the dearest human
I’ve ever known
but whenever I feel my heart getting
close to that realization
it screams at the universe: why?!?
why was I not worth fighting for?
it’s childish, I know
and I’m not proud of it …
my being has been torn in half
but the anger remains
no matter how I process it …
maybe this will help –
maybe I just needed to write about it
so please be patient with me, Mom
please know that I miss you more
than I’ve ever missed anything
that the tears will come in due time
and the grief will find me
when the anger is behind me …
but until then I’ll pray for
one simple thing:
your grace …
you were the one who
taught me that …

after all.

I love you, Mom
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