An Ode To the Fullness of My Belly
sweet decadent belly
how ever will you forgive me
i didn’t know
couldn’t know
how to love you
i didn’t see that you were more than a belly
you were an entire person
an easy breezy lover girl committed to the pursuit of all things joyful
i used to joke that you were bottomless
an “animal” of your own
what a gift that was
you let me live in faraway lands
and graciously indulge in local delicacies
what an honor it was to be held tall by you
to bask in your beauty
you captured hearts of all kinds
everyone wanted part of the whole hearted embrace of life you offered
even if just for one night
i must now admit
with a heavy heart
it took sharp hip bones jutting out to lengths they never should be seen
for me to set the record straight
i needed seasons of too much nausea to stand
let alone eat
for me to learn to beg for your forgiveness
my stomach now boasts the flatness I’d always been urged to dream of
and I spend my days split between my bed and survival
friends exclaim
“wow you look so skinny!”
men praise the unnatural concaveness of you
saying things like
“maybe you weren’t played such a bad hand after all”
as if whether my body has value should be up for debate
like a certain quantity of fat cells reflects a quality of life
and I can’t blame them for not seeing
because neither did I
they don’t see the poison we’ve been spoon-fed
to categorize a healthy body as
“too much”
and a starving one as the ultimate prize
they do not see that this body takes dozens of pills a day to sit upright
in it live tsunamis of fear, pain, isolation
while my old self was free
and buoyant
while I cant change the view from where they stand
(and I stood)
i can remember your brilliance
and vow
if we're ever lucky enough to be reunited
i will honor you for what you truly are:
a home
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