All I Could Muster

Empty pages Staring at blank spaces How long has it been As custom dictates, a line to be repeated Maybe it'll close the gap between mental lapses Maybe it'll explain the aversion Welcoming the conversion Welcoming the conversation now fulfilled Am I fulfilled A constant query the world can never seem to answer I don't expect it to when I can never answer it myself Every time I use this platform to convey the emotions that wound me up so tight A stress ball Forcefully trying to unravel myself, alleviate the pressure I realize more and more the possibilities that I don't know who this is for That this will only cause a bore, only cause people to snore For I don't, if only hardly come back to reread these words I lay down upon these pages Poetry to some, if not to some is simply homework It's outdated and jaded but this is how I survive The way the words flow from my skin are how I finally breathe How I finally begin to live Call it therapy or call it sanctuary I don't have a name for it personally I just fall down the rabbit hole Seeing how far it goes Maybe I'll find Alice in the snow I could use some snow Maybe remind myself what it feels like to be a kid Some would say my whimsy is childlike That I shouldn't need much of a reminder I'm a failure as an adult And in my own personal opinion I wasted my youth chasing hearts instead of fun So failed at my teenage years too What haven't I failed at Burned in my memory at every single turn Is some form of ptsd, some form of trauma Some form of ailment I can't diagnose I can't put a name to Which means I can't research Which means I can't find a cure for, not like it would help I'm a coward at heart, no matter how brave I wish I was I'm forever wishing but if wishing were worth more than wishing Well I'd stop wishing I'd die for it's one wish I can't stop wishing Yet the same wish I wish will never come true In recent days, it's grabbed my attention Clinging to my fears like a life jacket I'm trying to preserve my life, not capsize A sinking ship hitting an iceberg yet I panic, arms flailing about Seems like that’s all I've been doing for 2 years now Where is my stability Where is my hope I feel like I've exhausted all options I feel like I'm just simply exhausted Attempting to copy other paths of existence I don't know how to conjure up my own There has to be something more to this I'm worth more than this I'm worth something more, I have to be I've lived my whole life not feeling good enough Feeling like I've not been good enough Not good enough in school, not good enough in relationships not good enough for the things that I love Not good enough for much Mother Aphrodite came about to tell me to shut up and hold her close Saying she'll change my life but I don't hear her voice anymore or maybe I just filter it out like noise I'm too selfish these days Nothing matters, nothing really Everything feels like a bother, an inconvenience I have tunnel vision, one particular goal in mind Just get me to California Just get me out of here Get me out of here alive Maybe that’s when I’ll finally feel like I’m ...happy Whatever that means