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Poem
Empty pages
Staring at blank spaces
How long has it been
As custom dictates, a line to be repeated
Maybe it'll close the gap between mental lapses
Maybe it'll explain the aversion
Welcoming the conversion
Welcoming the conversation now fulfilled
Am I fulfilled
A constant query the world can never seem to answer
I don't expect it to when I can never answer it myself
Every time I use this platform to convey the emotions 
that wound me up so tight
A stress ball
Forcefully trying to unravel myself, alleviate the pressure
I realize more and more the possibilities that I don't know who this is for
That this will only cause a bore, only cause people to snore
For I don't, if only hardly 
come back to reread these words I lay down upon these pages
Poetry to some, if not to some is simply homework
It's outdated and jaded but this is how I survive
The way the words flow from my skin are how I finally breathe
How I finally begin to live
Call it therapy or call it sanctuary
I don't have a name for it personally
I just fall down the rabbit hole
Seeing how far it goes
Maybe I'll find Alice in the snow
I could use some snow
Maybe remind myself what it feels like to be a kid
Some would say my whimsy is childlike
That I shouldn't need much of a reminder
I'm a failure as an adult
And in my own personal opinion
I wasted my youth chasing hearts instead of fun
So failed at my teenage years too
What haven't I failed at
Burned in my memory at every single turn
Is some form of ptsd, some form of trauma
Some form of ailment I can't diagnose
I can't put a name to
Which means I can't research
Which means I can't find a cure for, not like it would help
I'm a coward at heart, no matter how brave I wish I was
I'm forever wishing but if wishing were worth more than wishing
Well I'd stop wishing I'd die for it's one wish I can't stop wishing
Yet the same wish I wish will never come true
In recent days, it's grabbed my attention
Clinging to my fears like a life jacket
I'm trying to preserve my life, not capsize
A sinking ship hitting an iceberg
yet I panic, arms flailing about
Seems like that’s all I've been doing for 2 years now
Where is my stability
Where is my hope
I feel like I've exhausted all options
I feel like I'm just simply exhausted
Attempting to copy other paths of existence
I don't know how to conjure up my own
There has to be something more to this
I'm worth more than this
I'm worth something more, I have to be
I've lived my whole life not feeling good enough
Feeling like I've not been good enough
Not good enough in school, not good enough in relationships
not good enough for the things that I love
Not good enough for much
Mother Aphrodite came about to tell me to shut up and hold her close
Saying she'll change my life but I don't hear her voice anymore
or maybe I just filter it out like noise
I'm too selfish these days
Nothing matters, nothing really
Everything feels like a bother, an inconvenience
I have tunnel vision, one particular goal in mind
Just get me to California
Just get me out of here
Get me out of here alive
Maybe that’s when I’ll finally feel like I’m
...happy
Whatever that means
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