9/11 Wasn'T Heaven

9/11 Wasn't Heaven. Take it from one who was there.
Corpses, body parts, impaled bodies were most of what  I saw there.
9/11 Wasn't Heaven but not because of the horror I saw.
On 9/11 I learned to hate. I never felt hatred before.
We were all instructed to bring to a certain section anything that may contain DNA.
A hair brush, make up kit, anything that may identify the forever lost in this grave.
I spent most of my time on what was known as "The bucket brigade,"
an assembly line of us passing buckets of debris with hope of saving they who were buried.
Every now and then something caught my eye. 
New visions of horror never thought could be seen by I.
Someone with a heavy push broom pushing debris
and then that someone stops suddenly
and picks up what appears to me
a piece of carpet very carefully.
After my closer inspection however of checking the carpet out
I then came to realize, it wasn't a piece of carpet. What it was was someones scalp.
The buckets kept coming, never stopping, never ending
but still out of the corner of my eye kept drawing my attention.
Like a zombie I broke away from the bucket brigade
I think I was beginning to feel afraid
of what it would be
that was drawing me 
and coming with every step much closer to me.
I bent over and picked up a mangled Barbi doll.
"Are you going to come across the corpse of a child?
This doll may have some DNA 
of some poor child lost in all this decay."
With those thoughts I made an about face
and made a B line to the DNA place,
I deposited the doll
and then ran off like a frightened child.
I Had To Get Out Of This Place!
I no sooner got home 
when guilt hit me like a thrown stone.
While showering all of the days grime off of me
I broke down in the shower and cried like a baby hysterically.
"How could you be such a coward? How could you run off on all of them?
How could you abandon all of they who aren't dead and still living?
How could you be such a coward? How could you run and hide?"
I've learned since then that I wasn't a coward. I was traumatized,
but sadly to this day 
the only way 
I live with myself for running away
is because it wouldn't have mattered anyway. 
My presence wouldn't have made a difference. No One Survived.
Copyright © | Year Posted 2010

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K. Avatar
July 15, 2010 at 1:04 AM
Chills as I read this Billy-- the horror of that day is incomparable and to be where you were has got to be truly traumatic-- I do agree though that you are not a coward, any other person would probably have felt the same way, even not be able to cope--but I think to slowly pick up the pieces, that is a good thing-- at least it is making a difference to those who have been changed by that tragedy-- another moving write Billy & I sure do wish you all the best-- God bless! -- nikko :)
Fox Avatar
July 5, 2010 at 11:59 AM
You did your best faced it and helped ,you should be very proud !
Fraser Avatar
July 5, 2010 at 11:09 AM
Billy, this terrible day will affect so many of the rescuers who worked incredibly long hours searching and locating the lost souls in the debris. You have no reason to feel guilty, the fact you were there to offer you is more than enough. We each differently absorb horrors and deal with them in our own way. Coward you are not, human you are. I can only guess what people like you had to do, it hits home what you wanted to do. Brings the day back in you words Billy, take care >> James
Bruinekool Avatar
July 4, 2010 at 4:05 PM
Good story, solid description of a time we all remember. It is always painful, yet healthy to learn from someone who was there.
Culverhouse Avatar
July 4, 2010 at 4:01 PM
sad write... so true
Hales Avatar
July 4, 2010 at 3:14 PM
So sad my friend so sad .... You have described such a sad time Love and blessings to you sarah x
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