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JEHOVAH WITNESSED ALL MY SUFFERING

       Copyright © Vickie Thayer | Year Posted 2019

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This Is Me At Thirteen Years Of Age...On MY Way...With My Grandparents...To A Jehovah Witness Committee Meeting...Congregating With Several Elders...From The Kingdom Hall...Concerning My Abuse.

My Abuse Was Silenced By The Organazation And Their Elders. The Same Ones Who Took My Report Of Abuse Silenced My Voice And They Never Reported The Abuse To The Local Authorities. I Will Stay Silent No More...This Is My Story.

* Is it really God's house? One that is built on a firm foundation, stabilized upon peace, love, understanding and protection? Who protects the children from all those who are in collusion with one another, to cover up crimes being committed against innocent children, in God's house? (While God Watches). Maybe that is where the name "Watchtower" comes from, his elders just (watch) from their holy (tower) and do nothing to serve justice, legally, upon abusers. They think they have so much power and authority within their organazation. But the voice of an adult, no longer a submissive, brain washed child, bent on fear, Is the greatest power of all.

God witnessed as his own elders hid and still hide, deep dark secrets. The dirty sins that allow some to continually be satisfied by all that is unholy. Why do these religious leaders hide the pedophiles from the law within Gods House? I often ask myself that very question, because I have been affected by a cover up perpetrated by the Jehovah Witness elders, causing my sufferance, for my entire life. It has caused me the inability to believe in any entity that is associated with worshipping God or Jehovah. It has caused me to bare a suffering of immense proportions. It would eventually embed into my soul and cause me to never trust a single soul again. What a horrible thing to carry with you throughout life. What an evil organazation that hides all their dirty little secrets, then threaten little children if they tell.

What a sin that the man who had molested me as a child could be honored by the same religious organization that hid his horrific crime (even after it had been reported to them). His jehovah witness religion is mentioned in his on line obituary. It would seem to me that his religion had accepted with forgiveness what he had done to me and that he had been allowed to continue on (in his religious organization) after running away from his crimes comitted against me. They (they meaning the elders) never reported his crimes of molestation against me and I even had a witness to one of the incidents, witnessed by his own daughter. What he did to me, would legally be a crime punishable by the law and jail time. Reading his obituary recently meant to me that my abuser had obviously continued on with his life, unscathed for his sins and crimes. What another slap upon my already burned and scarred cheek. I will not stay silent any longer and I hope God hears my suffering and that somehow I can help others who are suffering in the same kind of darkness, that I have.

QUERY LETTER: They say that with old age comes wisdom, kindness, confidence and ease. Maybe this is why I have waited my entire life to tell my story.
Maybe it is with age that I can now forge a determination that is bent with (confidence). The only undeserving (kindness) I have bestowed with old age (as far as I know) was for the benefit of my molester and the JW organazation, by me continuing to be silent. But now, I will tell my story with (ease) because with old age comes (wisdom) so it is said, so it must be believed.

SIDE NOTE: Please Read (Vickie Hurtt's Shattered Silence) My Memoir That Leads Up To This Book. This Is Volume 2 In A Series, Starting With (Vickie Hurtt's Shattered Silence). ENJOY THE MUSIC AS YOU READ.

1. (Chapter One)
WINSTON, NEVER IS A LONG TIME

My favorite quote of all time is by Winston Churchill, he said and I quote..."Never, never, never give up."
But I had failed Mr. Churchill, because there were several times I had given up along my journey.

I was only thirteen years old and had already experienced so much heartache from life, more than any child should ever have to. I had my childhood ripped from me, I never experienced the joys of just being a child. I was the oldest of eight children and I was abused by both of my parents. I would watch the daily dysfunctional family shows, unfolding right in front of me. I would compare it to a scary puppet show with performances by little puppets that were controlled by their narcissistic marionette mother and puppeteer father.

We began a religious humbling experience with our divorced mother, when I was about twelve years old. She left our father and we moved to east Dayton, Ohio into a low income housing project. I hoped and prayed that our lives would somehow become better when we started attending weekly meetings with our mother at the Kingdom Hall Of Jehovah's Witnesses on Meyer Ave.

We did not have a car in the beginning so we walked to every religious meeting. Sometimes we would catch a ride during inclement weather, but with a family of nine few of our fellow church goers could accomadate us. So we usually walked in rain or shine, snow or sleet.

I can remember the elders making announcements at meetings about the "Hurtt" family and how we loved Jehovah so much that we walked to every meeting and Bible study. I wanted to raise my hand and be called upon, so I could respond to the elder by saying ,"no sir, the truth is that we have no choice and it makes our narcissistic mother feel very important." I can rememeber being threatened many times to walk faster, because we were running late. Well Mother dear you shouldn't have taken so long to fix your hair and make up and zip yourself into that tight skirt (she was always on the hunt for a boyfriend).

The walk was over one mile, one and a half miles would be more accurate. I hated that walk, I absolutely hated it, not because of the walk itself, I had plenty of leg muscles (back then) that were able to take me to my destinations with ease. It was the person who would be waiting on the other side of the kingdom hall's doors that made me hate it so much. His name was "Bob" and he was a forty year old servant of Jehovah God. His learing looks at me, made me feel very uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable because I was keeping a secret, a deep dark secret, one that I was forced to keep out of fear. His learing looks were a threat that I had better not tell his secret. My mother thought he was looking at her, if she only knew.

2. (Chapter Two)

NEW FRIENDS

Bob (short for his real name Robert) had two daughters. He was living with his daughters in an apartment that was within walking distance of our apartment. He was a computer analyst in Dayton, Ohio and had transfered from California. He also had a son who was living out west with his wife, that he had seperated from. His two daughters were from another wife that he was divorced from.

My mother was carrying on a tryst with Bob, she told me she was in love with him. This all came about rather suddenly and the tryst was hidden from everyone at the kingdom hall. She also started encouraging me to have a friendship with his two daughters (I would later learn her wanting me to become friends with his daughters had to do with ulterior motives, on her part.

My mother's new boyfriend "Bob" started grooming me at the tender age of thirteen. He began by first befriending my mother through the meetings at the kingdom hall. Soon his daughters asked if we could spend the night with them, on weekends. Surprisingly enough she allowed me to go. I started noticing him looking at me with a stare, especially since I had blossomed rather early. The stare confused me and made me feel uncomfortable. I tried ignoring him, but my mother insisted I be nice to him, "he may be your new Father someday," she would say. His daughters and their beautiful dog (a german shepherd) would get beatings from him. He would kick their dog into submissions, when it disobeyed him. He would lash out with a leather belt, raising it above his head and landing it upon his daughters with painful force. It reminded me of my father and I started having panic attacks when I would go home.

After spending many sleep overs with his daughters, I observed many instances of this type of abuse towards them, it was quite a display. He did not hide it from me when he went after his daughters with belts and sometimes he made them bring the belt to him for their beating and it scared me. (Many years later when I told my counselor about this, she said he was probably grooming me to fear him). I no longer wanted to go to their apartment and when they moved into a small airstream travel trailer in Mcmahans trailer park in Dayton, Ohio, I certainly felt relieved. It was farther away and not within walking distance (of us) like their apartment was. I did not want to spend sleep overs with his daughters anymore.

Instead my mother started allowing his daughters to have sleepovers at our apartment. Their father would drop them off and pick them up. During those sleepovers Mother pumped his daughters for information about his past girlfriends, wives etc.., His oldest daughter was apprehensive about revealing any information, but his other daughter told my mother she had a step-mother out west in California and a half brother as well. She stated that they needed to go to California and soon, for some sort of elders meeting at their kingdom hall.

My mother looked confused and pressed on for more information from her, but his daughter clammed up. Soon after, Mother pushed me into sleep overs at their little airstream trailer (so I could get further details for her, out of his daughter).

My mother became obsessed with the entire situation. I was then asked by one of his daughters, if I could go on the trip out west to California with them. My mother thought it would be a great idea, so I could find out for her, who it was in California that was so important to her jehovah witness boyfriend "Bob" and what that meeting was, all about.
It was during Christmas break from school that I packed for the trip. Bob, his two daughters, their dog "Laddie" and I left Ohio in his Ford Bronco.

We were on our way to an adventure of horrific proportions. I would return home several weeks later, traumatized. But since I didn't know it yet, I was just excited to go.

( Illustration by: Vickie Hurtt-Thayer)

We left early, on a Saturday morning. I remember my mother giving me specific instructions before our departure. "Mind Bob, find out as much as you can about his wives, don't tell him anything about me." I wish she would have said something more like, "I love you and please be safe."

3. (Chapter Three)

WAIT UNTIL WE GET TO ARIZONA

After a few days of traveling, I realized my excitement for an adventurous trip (filled with fun) was being stymied. There were many moments I was hungry and had to wait until Bob decided we could eat. Several times I begged him to stop for a bathroom break and felt sick trying to hold it all in.

I also saw a bottle of Vodka hidden in a bag next to his seat (I saw those same bottles hidden in my mother's bathroom cabinet, so I knew what it was). I was not surprised at all, by the yelling and smacking and threats made by him towards his daughters and dog (because I had seen the same abuse back home) but now the threats were being thrown at me, too.

Then there were days he was nice and let us eat when we were hungry and even encouraged us to let him know when we needed to stop for bathroom breaks. I was confused, but I was smart enough to figure out that he was as mean as a Western Diamondback rattlesnake whenever that bottle of Vodka appeared to be disappearing. He would stop at state stores and refill, just like his gas tank when it was nearing empty.
I remember staying in a tent in the desert of Arizona for a night. He scared all of us with tales of snakes, scorpions and tarantulas. He even told us that the dog could be killed by a Sonoran Desert Toad, I became afraid to leave the tent.

The tent was a pup tent, big enough for maybe a pup let alone three girls (ages twelve and thirteen) but we piled into the tent for much needed sleep. Bob and his dog took to a sleeping bag, just outside our tent. I remember seeing him putting rubber bands around his pant legs. He instructed us that should it be impairent that we go to the bathroom (in the middle of the night) we should go behind the tent and to "be very careful." Little did I know, he was the only creature that would be lurking with poison in its veins, on that night.

4. (Chapter Four)

THE MOON KNOWS - HE'S ALWAYS KNOWN It Always Knows..,

I woke up and could see the Arizona moonlight reflecting from inside my tent. It seemed clearer and closer as it shined off of the chilly horizon.

I have always had what is called a nervous bladder, my anxiety causes me frequent bathroom breaks and it doesn't discern between night and day. So as I laid there, I realized I needed to take a chance on being bitten by a desert dweller to relieve myself.

I hurried to do my business and when returning back to the tent Bob grabbed my leg. I turned and he motioned for me to be quiet... "come here for a minute" he said with a gesture. I walked maybe three feet to where he was sitting, was he watching me?" I thought to myself. "Come and watch the beautiful moon that Jehovah God gave to us," he said. I stood there for a moment and then he said..,"here, sit with me on my sleeping bag." I felt kind of funny at first, but then I remembered my mother's words before I left..,"mind Bob, he may be your father some day."

I sat down and he quickly moved so I was on his lap. The moon was beautiful as it reflected off my thoughts, "so this is what a father's attention feels like, this is kind of special, but also uncomfortable, I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing."

I tried to get up and go back into my tent, I was then co-erced into the sleeping bag by a wolf, while he howled at the moon and hugged me into submission. I was scared out of my mind. "What eh, ah, is this?" I clammered for some logical explanation. "Just keeping us warm" he said while holding me and telling me I was beautiful, "as beautiful as the moonlight," he said.

I relented into submissive jelly. I just laid there and let him hold me, hoping this is what fathers do to their daughters, by holding them and telling them that they were beautiful.

I never had a relationship with my own father, so I was just not sure. The only thing I was sure of was it didn't feel quite right to be held so close and tight against a forty year old man, who was breathing so hard that I could see his breath escaping his very soul, beneath Jehovah God's beautiful moonlight.

One night in a desert was enough for me and I guess for Bob. He decided we would stay in a Motel the next night, as we had prior to reaching the Arizona desert.

I was worried concerning the sleeping arrangements (especially after the incident in the desert). There was one large bed for us girls and he slept on the floor in a sleeping bag. I noticed he had chose my side of the bed, to sleep on.

3. (Chapter Three)

BAPTIZED

I was baptized just before my thirteenth birthday and just before the trip out west. My grandmother was also baptized soon after I was cleansed of my sins and dedicating myself to Jehovah. I can hardly remember the series of questions one is asked, after lengthy bible studies, in order to pass onto baptism within the JW organization.

But I do know that somewhere in my lessons the teachings were memorable and very clear...if you dishonor Jehovah's name you would be disfellowshipped from the organization and die at armagedon. To be disfellowshipped was the lowest of the low, you would be shunned until you repented. Shunning would even come from your own JW family members. I never wanted to be shunned by my grandparents. I tried really hard to be good and dedicate myself to Jehovah.

After I was baptized I was happy, for awhile. I started going door to door on a regular basis, spreading the word of Jehovah. I obeyed my mother, the elders and now Bob. I also tried to come to terms with nagging questions that I often had in my thoughts...If Bob is a baptized servant of Jehovah, why is he doing things like - drinking all the time, beating his daughters and their dog and holding me so close in secret darkness?

I often prayed to Jehovah about it, but I never got an answer...or help.

It was in the middle of the night and I felt Bob searching for my hand. I was terrified because he was breathing fast like he had in the desert. I pretended to be fast asleep as he squeezed my hand around his breath of sin. I was scared and couldn't believe what had just happened. As green as I was, I was unaware of the process of what had just happened. I now hated him, I hated him and Jehovah for letting him do that to me.

4. (Chapter Four)

THREATS BENT ON SECRECY

The next morning I felt sick to my stomach, Bob saw I was acting funny and ordered his daughters to take the dog to the car, as well as anything else we had brought into the motel room. This tactic by him, left him all alone with me, for several minutes.

Those few minutes would set the stage for the rest of my life. He threatened me that if I were ever to tell anyone what he did, we would (both) be disfellowshipped. I told him "no he would be in trouble" and then he said and I quote..."no, because you didn't stop me, because you liked it." He told me he knew I was awake and I better not ever tell, anyone!

I stood there in a fog of confusion, guilt, fear and hatred for this man and towards myself. I was only a thirteen year old girl, barely thirteen, and I didn't know if he was right or wrong. After all I just laid there, but I knew it was from fear of the outcome...I would have no father and my mother would have no boyfried if she found out. In my childish reasoning I believed that If he thought I was asleep, he would think I didn't know what he did to me and then he would not threaten my family. Sort of like "out of sight out of mind."

I cried in secrecy that day as I took a shower to cleanse the impurities from my soul.

His youngest daughter (the one that I befriended and was the closest to) heard me crying, she asked me what was wrong, I lied and told her I missed my mother and siblings.

She looked at me with a weird stare, almost like she really knew what my heartache was about. I then began to be in a constant state of hypervigilance, which also caused me a constant state of anxiety. I just wanted to go home and pretend it did not happen, but home was not good for me either. ***Read My First Book (Shattered Silence) To Find Out Why.

5. (Chapter Five)

A SECRET MEETING

We continued on our trip, it seemed like a blur to me. The same scenarios, over and over as we traveled through each city (hunger, lack of proper bathroom facilities, yelling and threats when any of us complained, over the back seat hitting, more yelling, drinking vodka and several more incidents involving Bob and his threats afterwards, towards me.

I prayed to Jehovah to help me and started questioning "why" he was allowing this forty year old servant of his, to do this to me.

My diet of bologna sandwhiches and water was starting to get to me, so was Bob.

We continued on and finally reached California. Bob's daughter's mother lived somewhere in California and he had planned to allow them to visit with her. (I honestly believe if it was not for the fatal accident that happened, I would have been left alone with him for several days) while they visited their mother.

There was a meeting at the kingdom hall between Bob and his current wife that he was seperated from. The meeting was in a city in California. We all went to the kingdom hall with Bob, he ordered us to remain silent and sit on a bench outside the room they all congregated into.

Being children and as curious as children are, we put our ears on the wall to listen. Bob's youngest daughter retrieved a glass she saw sitting by the water cooler and held it to her ear against the wall. "Oh my gosh." she said, "I can hear." We then each took turns listening, when the cup reached me, I could hear a woman describing some sort of playing by Bob, with their son. The description I heard was something about "piggy back rides." I did not hear anymore, except the words "divorce" popping up several times.

Soon after the meeting was over we left in a hurry. When we asked Bob what happened he said it was none of our business and to go to sleep. He told us we were traveling back home, to Ohio (I then saw him take a swig of vodka). We were all huddled in the back of that Bronco like sardines in a can.

His daughter's protested, they wanted to see their Mother before leaving California, he turned around while driving and used his fist and just started wailing on us.

His youngest daughter whispered into my ear through her tears..."I hate him, I wish he was dead." I whispered, "me too."

6. ( Chapter Six)

THE FATAL ACCIDENT

I remember falling asleep to the constant humming, from the Bronco's engine. I thought I was dreaming when I was suddenly startled awake by a loud noise and then the Bronco coming to a sudden jolting stop.

We were on a very busy California freeway, we had a flat tire. Bob had just merged into traffic from the merging lane and we were parked off to the side of the merging lane. There was four lanes of traffic going in our direction, a fence divider and then four lanes of traffic in the opposing lanes.

Bob ordered all of us out of the Bronco, along with the dog. He told us to go sit up on a grassy hill, in an area that was in front of a motel that sat back a little ways off of the freeway. We all (quickly) did as he said, the traffic was whizzing by us at break neck speeds.

We were sitting up on that little hill watching Bob change the flat tire. The Bronco's trunk was actually under the front hood for that year make and model, so he had the front hood up when a State Trooper pulled up behind him. The state trooper ordered us all back into the Bronco. He said..."It is against the law to be on the side of the freeway, sitting." But we were actually pretty far off of the freeway and sitting on a little grassy hill. He said..."If I come back by and your family is back on that hill, I will arrest you."

I remember thinking at that moment..."oh please will you arrest him anyway? you wouldn't believe what he does to little girls."

The trooper sat behind us for a few minutes until he got another call, then he sped off. As soon as he was out of sight Bob ordered us back to the spot (we were previously sitting) on the grassy hill.

The next events are ingrained in my thoughts and memories as if they happened yesterday. It has also left me with a bittersweet memory. (I hated Bob for what he did to me and what he would continue to do (even after we got home) but he would actually save our lives) or maybe it was Jehovah punishing him and saving me from being alone with him, bittersweet, but I would be grateful.

We were ordered back onto the hill by Bob. We were watching traffic whizzing by him as he finished putting a spare tire on the Bronco. This time the dog "Laddie" was left inside the Bronco. Everything happened so fast but in slow motion. It was like watching a movie that has scary parts and when you watch the movie a second time you already know what's coming so you hide your eyes. That's what we were doing catching our breath and hiding our eyes every time a car whizzed by Bob and the Bronco. Every car and truck seemed so close and then..,

Bob was at the front of the Bronco putting his tools away, we were standing up, getting ready to walk back to the Bronco when a truck that was hauling steel pipes slammed into the rear of Bob and his bronco.

The impact was so hard it threw Bob into the air like a ragdoll, his final place of rest was in the middle of the four lanes of traffic. We all immediately went into shock. People started squealing to a stop, a passerby stopped and was throwing out flares, all three of us girls ran to the pink motel over the other side of the grassy hill. I remember trying to keep my wits about me, because his daughters were hysterical. I told them to "come on" constantly, before we reached the motel. I told the manager to call for help, he did. (This was back before cell phones, so it took awhile for help to arrive.

The three of us ran back to the scene. The same state trooper who threatened to arrest Bob if he let us out of the bronco again, he was the first responder to the accident. He put us in the back of his cruiser. I remember seeing the man who hit Bob as we walked by his truck his head was forward into his dash and he was impaled from the rear, by the long silver pipes he was hauling in his pick up truck. I heard the trooper over his radio saying "he was deceased."

"Who, who is deceased?" his daughters screamed through their snotty noses and swollen eyes, at the trooper. The trooper turned around and told us "the truck driver." He soon walked us over to the ambulance. We rode in the back of the ambulance with Bob to the hospital. The trooper took "Laddie" with him, he somehow survived the fatal crash, we all hoped Bob would, too.

7. (Chapter Seven)

JEHOVAH PLEASE FORGIVE ME

I remember looking down at the man who had done awful things to me and wished he would just die. "Jehovah, please forgive me for I know not what I say." the ambulance activated its sirens and the trooper said he would see us at the hospital in a little while. He asked for a telephone number to contact an adult. His daughters gave him their mother's home phone number.

I remember how pathetic and small he seemed lying there unconscious with his head injuries where the hood of the bronco had hit him. He also had a portion of his ear torn from his skull. I also remember feeling sorry for him at the same time that I wished he'd die. The EMT professionals labored over him until we reached the hospital. His oldest daughter gave as much information as she could to the emergency room admitting nurse. We then were rushed into a small private waiting room.

It seemed like an eternity until the trooper showed up. He was the one who told us, (including the girl's mother who arrived after their call to her) that he had over one hundred stiches to his head, ear and shoulder. He also said..."he is expected to fully recover." he also informed us that he needed to stay in the hospital for at least a week, because of his head injury.

Bob's daughters were getting their long awaited visit (that they wanted) with their mother and step-father, plus one unwanted guest. I remember their Mother asking if I had a place or someone to stay with. I felt rejected and angry, if she only knew what her ex-husband was doing to me! how dare she!...I thought to myself, but at this point I was mad at the world. She relented and I stayed at her condominium with Bobs daughters until he was released.

Laddie was placed into a shelter, until Bob was released from the hospital. After about ten days we started back on our journey back to Ohio, in a rental car provided by the insurance company. It would be when I learned to drive...yes, I said drive.

There we were the four of us and Laddie driving back to Ohio with me having control of the wheel several times, while sitting on Bob's lap. I don't believe that his bandaged head had any relevance to the favor he asked of me (to steer for him because his head hurt and he was having trouble seeing). It was exciting for me to be able to drive and I believe it was exciting for him, as well ( I was just too green to know it could be exciting, but in different ways, for both of us).

We later found out that the man driving the truck had a blood alcohol level way over the limit and the traffic investigators also determined that the man probably thought that the merging lane was a regular lane. They also said that he was doing at least fifty to fifty five miles per hour and probably never even saw Bob's Bronco, because he was so inebriated.

Jehovah please (don't) forgive him, for he doth displease you, too much. I was thinking about getting back home and of my grandparents who had always helped me, maybe they could help me, just once more.

8. (Chapter Eight)

WELCOME TO YOUR NIGHTMARE

When I walked in the door to my apartrment, Mother was in her darkened living room, sleeping on her black leather davenport. The davenport was given to her by my grandmother. I remember when the davenport sat in my grandmother's beautiful home in Bellbrook, Ohio (It held wonderful memories for me) but now those memories were being ruined and it smelled like vomit. The aroma permeated the room as I entered from the front door with the number (540) permanently affixed to the buildings exterior (how I hated that number that hung outside the front door). As the smell of vomit hit me, I said "Mother?"...I said, "I'm home." (home? did I just say home? God, please not let this be my forever home). "Well, the Queen has arrived." she responded (now sitting up) her hair and clothing equally disorganized.

Her puffy and glazed over eyes and the upchucked remnants of her wine and cheese party, gave her away and was the clue to the vomit smell. The supplies for her (generous) feast of wine and cheese was bought with money that our grandmother gave to her, for us children. We never reaped from Grandmother's generosity, but the neighbors and Mother, often did. Sitting outside in their chairs, drinking, smoking and indulging, while we were ordered to our rooms upstairs.

I wished I was not home, at this place she called home. Why didn't Bob just drop me off, somewhere else? Maybe a town that I could start my entire life over in. A town where no one knew about all the bad things that had happened to me. I immediately felt a huge wave of depression rushing over me, a dejected, cruel blackness engulfed me. My spirits sank to new depths. I was a child of abuse, on all levels of my childhood, but I would not give up, I would never give up!

It did not take long before the questioning began. My mother was a very impatient person and very demanding. "What happened, who was his wife, out west, where did you go, who did you see, what did his wife look like, is Bob divorced?"...She never once asked me If I was okay or if Bob had treated me well, those were questions I could have answered straight away (while she held me, comforting me, kissing me, telling me it would be okay and that we would report him to the authorities) but those were just wishes of a child, who would never be granted those loving things, by her mother. So there we sat amidst the smell of her overnight binge that was permeating my thoughts with a way to escape from my desire to just die, it was almost as strong as her addiction to drink.

I told her, that I had plenty to tell her and that I really wanted to take a bath first. I remember feeling like I was going to be able to wash all the filth from my skin and soul.

9. (Chapter Nine)

FEAR AND NO REVELATIONS

I decided out of fear to not tell her about the things that were done to me. I answered all her questions to the best of my knowledge. I remember being in a total state of surrealism and feeling anxious and depressed at the same time.

This was around the time that I started having what the doctors diagnosed as (a nervous bladder). Every day upon my arrival to our apartment, after school had let out, I would not be able to make it to the bathroom and would wet myself. I was prescribed some sort of anxiety medication...which I never saw or took. My mother filled the prescription and she never gave them to me. I saw her taking the pills for herself. I guess she felt that she needed them more than me...not so, Mother!

My grandmother picked me up over the following weekend, after I returned home from California. I remember wanting to tell her what happened to me, I remember that she could see that there was something going on with my demeanor. I prayed for Jehovah to help me tell her...no answer from him. I was really starting to feel like God could care less as to the things that had been committed against his child. I was after all his child and I needed him.

I spent the weekend in a state of depression and anxiety. I also felt like a different person...I was no longer an innocent child.

10. (Chapter Ten)

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