If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Baseball is not like football or basketball, ... There are 27 outs to get and whichever team is best suited to get those 27 outs, to control that tempo, is going to be there at the end. We've gotten a huge lift from Chacon and Wright and I still believe in my heart of hearts the big guy is going to be dynamite for us down the stretch.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
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Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
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If we don't stand up for children, then we don't stand for much.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I traveled 15 feet and lost a $7,000 diamond wedding ring. They looked on the ground and conveyer belt. Nothing. I thought I was in a secure area.
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I moved around my whole life, internationally, with my dad who was in international sales after World War II,
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Funny
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris ... [because] no known motor can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping.
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I have gone forward with Some, a few lonely some. They have fallen to death. I die with them.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' by Steven Wright
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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