If we don't stand up for children, then we don't stand for much.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I traveled 15 feet and lost a $7,000 diamond wedding ring. They looked on the ground and conveyer belt. Nothing. I thought I was in a secure area.
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Baseball is not like football or basketball, ... There are 27 outs to get and whichever team is best suited to get those 27 outs, to control that tempo, is going to be there at the end. We've gotten a huge lift from Chacon and Wright and I still believe in my heart of hearts the big guy is going to be dynamite for us down the stretch.
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A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I have gone forward with Some, a few lonely some. They have fallen to death. I die with them.
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
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Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
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Education is for improving the lives of others and for leaving your community and world better than you found it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris ... [because] no known motor can run at the requisite speed for four days without stopping.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' by Steven Wright
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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked....
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The legacy I want to leave is a child-care system that says that no kid is going to be left alone or left unsafe.
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I moved around my whole life, internationally, with my dad who was in international sales after World War II,
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Funny
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Black holes are where God divided by zero
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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