If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' by Steven Wright
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Funny
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Black holes are where God divided by zero
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Funny
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night
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