I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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