He Robert Benchley and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.
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England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example.
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There is probably not more than one hundred dollars in cash in circulation today. That is, if you were to call in all the bills and silver and...
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We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. We are constantly remarking on the fact that things are done well by people other than ourselves. The Japanese are a remarkable little people, we say, as if we were doing them a favor. He is an Arab, but you ought to hear him play the zither. Why but?
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An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
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The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
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I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
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The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
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Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
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The naturalistic literature of this country has reached such a state that no family of characters is considered true to life which does not include at least two hypochondriacs, one sadist, and one old man who spills food down the front of his vest.
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Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
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For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
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Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.
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One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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A boy can learn a lot from a dog obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
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Anyone who tries to keep track of what is happening in China is going to end up by wearing all the skin of his left ear from twirling around o...
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And so it goes, back and forth, good church-members all, which means that their banter contains nothing off-color, and by the same token, noth...
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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
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There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.
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I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
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Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. I...
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It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I coudn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
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It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
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There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
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As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
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The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
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It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
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Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
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Consider the number of young people all over the world who are getting married, day in and day out, for no other reason than that someone of t...
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