My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
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My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
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When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with'
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I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
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I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
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You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
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When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry
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My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
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My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
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Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
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Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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