Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
|
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
|
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
|
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves
|
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
|
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
|
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
|
If that's the best joke in the world, then I've never had a face-lift.
|
Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.
|
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
|
I treasure every moment that I do not see her.
|
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
|
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered
|
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing
|
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
|
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
|
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
|