Here is my gift, not roses on your grave, not sticks of burning incense. You lived aloof, maintaining to the end your magnificent disdain. You drank wine, and told the wittiest jokes, and suffocated inside stifling walls. Alone you let the terrible stranger in, and stayed with her alone.
Now you're gone, and nobody says a word about your troubled and exalted life. Only my voice, like a flute, will mourn at your dumb funeral feast. Oh, who would have dared believe that half-crazed I, I, sick with grief for the buried past, I, smoldering on a slow fire, having lost everything and forgotten all, would be fated to commemorate a man so full of strength and will and bright inventions, who only yesterday it seems, chatted with me, hiding the tremor of his mortal pain.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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'Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, 'What are we going to do?' 'Nothing,' responds her husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.''
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Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
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Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
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Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
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'Against his better judgment, the big game hunter is talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions. It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe. One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search. He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling. Soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion. The wife whispers urgently, 'What are we going to do?' 'Nothing,' responds her husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.''
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Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.
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A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
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Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
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A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a l
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You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
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There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
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This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
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You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
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This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
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Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
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You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
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Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
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Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.'
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Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
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Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
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'I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.'
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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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'A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?' 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.''
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A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!'
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You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
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Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
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'A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridgeand ran out of gas.'
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