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Famous Henny Youngman Quotations

Best famous Henny Youngman quotations. Find, read, and share the best famous quotations by Henny Youngman. These are the most popular quotations and best examples of quotes by Henny Youngman.

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Quote Left We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Quote Right
Quote Left Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. Quote Right
Quote Left Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. Quote Right
Quote Left Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Quote Right
Quote Left Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy! Quote Right
Quote Left A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. Quote Right
Quote Left You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. Quote Right
Quote Left There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. Quote Right
Quote Left A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a l Quote Right
Quote Left You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. Quote Right
Quote Left Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? Quote Right
Quote Left This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. Quote Right
Quote Left This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. Quote Right
Quote Left You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. Quote Right
Quote Left Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. Quote Right
Quote Left Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. Quote Right
Quote Left This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! Quote Right
Quote Left Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. Quote Right
Quote Left Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? Quote Right
Quote Left You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. Quote Right
Quote Left Nurse: 'Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office'. Doctor: 'Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.' Quote Right
Quote Left A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, 'You're crazy' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' 'Okay, you're ugly too!' Quote Right
Quote Left This man dresses like an unmade bed. Quote Right
Quote Left Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Quote Right
Quote Left During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. Quote Right
Quote Left My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Quote Right
Quote Left A guy says, 'I'm so old that I forgot how old I am.' An old woman says, 'I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over.' The man does this. The woman says, 'You're seventy four.' The man says, 'How can you tell?' The woman says, 'You Quote Right
Quote Left My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. Quote Right
Quote Left An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, 'Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!' So the soldier com Quote Right
Quote Left My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. Quote Right
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