The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
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The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
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The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
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For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam
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In all honesty, Johnny, we are often at the mercy of the White House for the news we report. Frequently, we simply repeat verbatim what the White House tells us.
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called 'sucking up to the stars.'
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'Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say 'Storms suck!'.
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Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are you ready?' by Johnny Carson
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Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive
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Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money
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I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Only lie about the future.
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Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will.
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Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: Are your ready?
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