The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
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I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
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The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
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The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
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For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
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He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
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In all honesty, Johnny, we are often at the mercy of the White House for the news we report. Frequently, we simply repeat verbatim what the White House tells us.
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If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam
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Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
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For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
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'Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say 'Storms suck!'.
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The Hollywood tradition I like best is called 'sucking up to the stars.'
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If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
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Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are you ready?' by Johnny Carson
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
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Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off
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I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
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Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
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Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will.
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If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
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The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money
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I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
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Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
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Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: Are your ready?
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Only lie about the future.
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