The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Funny
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The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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The longer you stay in the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children emotionally. For example: 'Frosty the Snowman' is about a snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then melts.
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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.
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It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
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Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
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'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto
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And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
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In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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I find myself having these conversations where I go...ââ?¬Å?You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know.ââ?¬Â And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize that I mean the Pope.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By 'they' I mean 'computers': I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
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And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy business people Get Ahead by using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail
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