Poetry Forum

Jazzitup - all messages by user

4/2/2018 9:13:29 AM
That day	I know nothing. I have only just joined. I will share my experience of your deep, moving poem. I had a strong feeling of regret. I feel the second line should be, That sun set because the second verse second line uses, that sun. I keep wanting to change When I heard it to When you spoke. For me I think the ending would be stronger with: That sun rose in the North... But that very day, you departed. I have never critiqued before. If I have done it wrong please forgive me.
pages: 1

4/2/2018 9:13:29 AM

I know nothing. I have only just joined. I will share my experience of your deep, moving poem. I had a strong feeling of regret.
I feel the second line should be, That sun set because the second verse second line uses, that sun. I keep wanting to change When I heard it to When you spoke.

For me I think the ending would be stronger with:

That sun rose in the North...

But that very day, you departed.

I have never critiqued before. If I have done it wrong please forgive me.

pages: 1