Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/30/2022 7:12:36 AM
Ultimate Spectator Posts: 3
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Messy Affairs
Swirling smoke, coming undone in cool august air,I'll have an unmarked grave-so long as your lips are my last lair;A hazy dive deep in trenches of your chest,closest to your heart-an otherwise impossible quest;designs worth turning ashes for.if unscathed, is it even amor?How my etched footprints are charred-my only residue, now your breaths marred.Just brief blazed affairs, wherein passion overrides prudence, sensibility triumphs senses.
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3/31/2022 7:59:13 PM
Dave Collins Posts: 13
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This is how I see yr poem, which is great. Smoke swirling in undone August air, unmarked graves as long as lips last hazy deep trenches dive close in heart trenches lair, impossible quest designs
turn to ashes, unscathed in pious amor, my etched unscathed footprints design my
impossible ash quest, charred with solemn residue of your now breath marred by
brief blazed affairs, passion overrides ones prudence; sensibility overrides all
triumph inner senses. Be one with me in all things love.
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3/31/2022 7:59:49 PM
Dave Collins Posts: 13
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Very well done.
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4/9/2022 9:12:29 AM
Dave Collins Posts: 13
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What? No, that's how I write. Highly creative with a really good vocabulary. How offensive of u. Please don't take my suggestions and stick to yr style. edited by collincd on 4/9/2022
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7/11/2022 6:33:30 AM
Jack Webster Posts: 255
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It lacks a great deal of clarity. Unless it is about murdering someone in the woods and burning the body, I’d start over.
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