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4/22/2021 9:46:38 PM Nicole Like Posts: 1	Fragrant blossoms imbue in a distillation of technicolor vision across the dampened meadow, awakening it from a winter repose. Dew-tipped grass lightly bends as a chilled breath swirls in the air. Verdant landscape hues cover faraway shadowed rolling hilltops. A crispness in the surrounding signals an embraced dusting of vapors, following a light cloudburst above: A sprinkling refresh for growth. Spring has sprung. edited by nicoleL on 4/22/2021
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4/24/2021 6:43:09 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Two Cents, Food for Thought The tone feels terribly solemn, as if Autumn is reporting the death of Winter. The first line is extremely dense, in terms of sound. I’ll admit, words, like colors, change character depending on the context they are placed it, but in the first line they have no context and not only stand naked but set the tone for the lines to come. Fragrant is not a particularly “fragrant” word; its syllables are not particularly light or sweet. The first syllable contains a diphthong, and the second syllable is closed with a double consonant. These add a lot of weight in terms of time spent uttering the syllables. Also the (f)r sound, the (g)r sound, and n sound are all sonorant and have a texture and weight almost like corduroy (fragrant might be finessed into velvet under the right circumstances). It’s the first word of the first line and the quality is really palpable. Something to experiment with might be looking up names of spring flowers, and appeal to specificity to supply a word bank of potential syllables, a color pallet of sounds to choose from. Similarly, the phrase “spring has sprung” is terribly heavy, like a branch has broken under the weight of melting snow. The phrase is so short, the line so dense, there is no breath of celebration in the length or meter of the line. There is no space or air. The -ing in spring has a little sparkle to it, but the evolution of the syllable spring into sprung buries it. -ung is a very loose, dark, subterranean syllable, loam-y. Spring has a tension to the syllable, like a child dancing on its toes waiting for a treat, like leaves that cant wait to push through to the light. But they must go in their proper places, in the proper order, with a suitable song. ... sprung... spring... hear how putting sprung before spring changes the transition, from dark to light, like a plant emerging from soil to sun? Hear how the sound opens (instead of closes)? It is sprung reborn as spring. Obviously “sprung has spring” makes no sense, so this is were creativity comes in, devising a phrase to frame the abstract artistry of word placement in a way that is still sensible. It is also an invitation for longer phrasing, which is also an invitation for some sort of space, music, lightness. The phrase, the line, is measured in breath. Patterns of breath are the flavors of emotions. The poet controls the breath of the reader with phrase and line, and this breathing becomes a kinesthetic entrainment, where the flavor and emotion of the poem is transmitted nonverbally. If you are very attached to ending with the phrase spring has sprung, i would try putting a line break after spring, to the breath and mind of the reader lingers on the brightness if the -ing, before moving to sprung: Spring has sprung. Although this structure might suggest an unintended innuendo. just in general, I would look at how densely the stressed syllables of the lines are packed back to back. Spring doesn’t have to be light and airy, but its worth considering. Just stuff to play with, if so inclined. Good luck
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