Poetry Forum

I think there is a lot of potential in relating the experience of transient love, fear/ uncertainty with the pebble, pond and reflection.




I think the piece would benefit from further contemplation on how the interaction between the concrete elements could more vividly, or more accurately express the experience.




I think the piece would benefit from rewriting it to exclude the words “love” and “tears”.




Simply saying something to the effect of “Standing by our pond, I think of you” invites the reader into the poem, by giving them clues and cues to understand that the speaker is talking about a loved one, and that the love is probably in the past - the key words being “our” and “think”. It’s like whispering to make someone lean in both physically and mentally to hear what you have to say.




You use a simile to attach the concept of love to the pebble, but if the word “love” is removed, attaching the concept of love to the pebble must be done in a different way. Perhaps the colors of the pebble remind the speaker of the blush of the loved one’s cheeks, or contains a favorite color of the person being remembered. Maybe the pebble has veins running through it like the blue cheese that was eaten together on an anniversary or by the side of a fireplace on a romantic evening. Perhaps at first the smoothness of the pebble reminds the speaker of the loved one’s skin, but then perhaps the coldness and hardness reminds the speaker of when things turned bad — you can tell the entire story of love and loss in describing the pebble — it is much more powerful than a simile.




I think you might consider the action of the speaker dropping the pebble in the pond. The way your poem is now, the pebble enters the pond in an abstract way. Having the person drop the pebble makes it a personal act instead of something abstract, it nonverbally communicates something inside of the speaker.




I think you’ve missed the opportunity to explore the significance of the pebble moving through the face, the water ripping it apart. The verbs used to describe how the ripples interact with the face could be very evocative (all without using the word “tears”) Your poem only talks about the reflection afterward.




These are the things I would explore more, if it were my piece. I would really explore the image more, exhaust all the possibilities the way the image might connect to the feeling, then choose which options you think are the strongest. Leave no stone unturned.




Good luck. Hope something was useful.

I think there is a lot of potential in relating the experience of transient love, fear/ uncertainty with the pebble, pond and reflection.



I think the piece would benefit from further contemplation on how the interaction between the concrete elements could more vividly, or more accurately express the experience.




I think the piece would benefit from rewriting it to exclude the words “love” and “tears”.




Simply saying something to the effect of “Standing by our pond, I think of you” invites the reader into the poem, by giving them clues and cues to understand that the speaker is talking about a loved one, and that the love is probably in the past - the key words being “our” and “think”. It’s like whispering to make someone lean in both physically and mentally to hear what you have to say.




You use a simile to attach the concept of love to the pebble, but if the word “love” is removed, attaching the concept of love to the pebble must be done in a different way. Perhaps the colors of the pebble remind the speaker of the blush of the loved one’s cheeks, or contains a favorite color of the person being remembered. Maybe the pebble has veins running through it like the blue cheese that was eaten together on an anniversary or by the side of a fireplace on a romantic evening. Perhaps at first the smoothness of the pebble reminds the speaker of the loved one’s skin, but then perhaps the coldness and hardness reminds the speaker of when things turned bad — you can tell the entire story of love and loss in describing the pebble — it is much more powerful than a simile.




I think you might consider the action of the speaker dropping the pebble in the pond. The way your poem is now, the pebble enters the pond in an abstract way. Having the person drop the pebble makes it a personal act instead of something abstract, it nonverbally communicates something inside of the speaker.




I think you’ve missed the opportunity to explore the significance of the pebble moving through the face, the water ripping it apart. The verbs used to describe how the ripples interact with the face could be very evocative (all without using the word “tears”) Your poem only talks about the reflection afterward.




These are the things I would explore more, if it were my piece. I would really explore the image more, exhaust all the possibilities the way the image might connect to the feeling, then choose which options you think are the strongest. Leave no stone unturned.




Good luck. Hope something was useful.