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5/13/2020 11:01:13 PM mike bross Posts: 1	random lives The reaper reaps in random ways no signpost warns of last lived days but ancient ears can hear the sound of thundered hooves upon the ground on blackened steed with fiery breath the sickle scythes of pending death with slackened reins the reaper rides as changing gait our fate decides and now the day on random ground the sickles path has laid us down and on he rides for those to come whose random lives soon now be done till silence falls the fields around and winter snows make white the ground we rest awhile with random friends and in the spring anew begins as clover lines the babbling brooks and flowers spring from tiny nooks and deer and rabbit come to graze the reaper reaps in random ways and so again that day will be with promise new of destiny till thundered hooves of blackened steed the reaper comes again.
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5/16/2020 3:17:30 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Really good draft. Very good attention to meter. Like that line 20 repeats the line 1; great way to foreshadow the conclusion of the poem. Like that line 24 is a foot short, a fun way to finish; however my ear tripped over the missing foot, especially since the meter has been so regular to that point. I would try making the phrase in line 23 five feet long, to alert the ear the meter is changing before the final line (sort of like a scythe reeling back before it cuts something off...); you cpuld simply add the word ‘appear’ And so again that day will be With promise new of destiny Till thundered hooves of blackened steed appear. The reaper comes again. I think the extra foot, makes the last line feel more finished. Though the meter’s good, there are phrases with inversion in the phrasing that make the some lines feel unnecessarily forced. Line six in stanza 2 isn’t really an inversion, but the preposition is oddly placed, or carelessly chosen perhaps. Avoid using prepositions to fill meter: ‘impending’ is much richer in terms of vocabulary than “of pending”: The sickle scythes impending death... (Also, “last lived” could become “final” which tidies up both phrasing and meter) Lines 7 and 8 could be reworked to avoid the inversion in 8: With slackened reins the reaper flies his closing gait will shut our eyes. Switching “changing” to “closing” is a fun way to play with implied metaphor, the closing gait of the horse also being a closing gate on the life of the lives being reaped. If the reader gets that far in the association, they may find the legs of the steed magically transforming into scissors that cut something off. “Flies” admittedly is more dramatic than “rides”, but it works with “eyes”. The phrasing in line 9 is a bit rough in terms of being comprehensible. It’s sort of like filler just to get through the meter. The first four words can be condensed into “today” which leaves two beats for something, maybe a pronoun and verb: Today he stalks on random ground Or Stalking now on random ground (ommits the first syllable in the meter, but sort of plunges the reader directly into the word and threat of stalking; it flies in the reader’s face) Would consider changing “laid us down” to “mowed us down” as the word mow is more in keeping with the use of a sickle. In line 16, “soon now” would be more simply phrased as “will soon”. Line 17 needs a preposition instead of an article Till silence falls on fields around... (‘the’ sounds nicer, but the grammar doesn’t work. If you wish to keep ‘the’, you must put a comma after falls and use “the fields” as the subject or direct object of passive construction in an independent clause; ‘til silence falls, the fields around...”) To be honest, i think in line 17 “around” is wasted meter. Fields give a sense of space, but it doesn’t imply people; it more certainly implies animals than persons, but both are uncertain. If you switch “around” to “and town”, then its much clearer people are implied: Till silence falls on field and town... (Admittedly it makes a slant rhyme with ground, but I think it’s stronger to keep the readers eye on the people than their ear on a perfect rhyme) Line 18 would be better begun with “the” instead of “and”, I think. “Make white” could be replaced with something like “embalm” which implies a kind of whiteness and also death, and fits the meter. You could also switch “till... /and...” to “His.../ as...”: His silence falls on field and town as winter snow embalms the ground (The pronoun fits the Reaper into line 17) Or even... Till silence falls on field and town the winter snow embalms the ground (Sort of an embalmed alive motif) In line 20 it would be smoother to change “anew” to “new life”. The first two lines of the last stanza could be strengthened and tiedied a bit. Overall, really enjoyed it! Hope we’ll get to see subsequent drafts. edited by superlativedeleted on 5/16/2020 edited by superlativedeleted on 5/16/2020
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