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5/2/2020 4:44:00 PM Lisle Ryder Posts: 7	Along the shore I walked across wet sand leaving footprints, a breeze across my face. I listened to waves sluice across the strand sifting, shifting pebbles to some further place; a restless yet rhythmic refreshing sound: despite the noise, washing and gifting peace. At flood tides' limits rotting seaweeds mound, where grubs and flies emerge for birds to feast. Here on the shore between high and low, between ebb and flow, a margin unclaimed has actions of nature revealed on show. Signs of my presence are washed out, reclaimed, yet held in these phrases I share with you from the shore - ever the same, always new. edited by Lisle Ryder on 5/2/2020 edited by Lisle Ryder on 5/2/2020
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5/3/2020 7:45:25 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	14 lines, ababcdcdefefgg, impure iambic pentameter; Shakespearean sonnet You demonstrate some lovely alchemy of sounds: ‘sifting, shifting’ ‘... flies emerge for the birds to feast’ (who knew flies and birds feasting on them could be so pretty!) The double ionic in line three is fun to see. Begining some lines with trochees is fun to see. Line four reads well, and the extra metric syllable thematically fits with the idea of a further place. Something to be mindful of, you spend the first word of your lines on prepositions and conjuctions. While grammtically reasonable for the phrasing, something to explore in revision might be finding phrases that also put content words at the beginning of the lines to make them richer. Take note that line nine only has 9 syllables. Im not sure this was intentional as in line four having 11 syllables to match the idea of something further away. Not necessarily necessary to fix as the line reads wel, but i think you’ve dropped an unstressed syllable between ‘between’ and ‘high’. Im sure there is a term for this, but it’s slipped my mind. I’m sure it’s a metrically valid ommission, but just make sure it was deliberate. A fun read. Love to see meter get some love, especially from one familiar the rules of the dance.
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5/4/2020 5:50:01 AM Lisle Ryder Posts: 7	Thank you Jack for your encouraging comments. I am not familiar with the technical terms such as double ionic and trochees. I ought to look them up. Nine syllable in line 9 was not really intentional. I could add 'the' before 'high' to correct this but I am not sure this feels quite right.
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