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4/8/2020 7:29:46 PM William Jenkins Posts: 7	My infatuation Is a dimly lit Faded Blurred bar shelf Stocked With beautiful bottles of Liquors. The colours and fonts on the labels Drip so easily into my eyes As I lean carefully Over the counter Like a thousand times before. Chrome taps of cold carbonated relief Are stationed like IV bags Filling frothy glasses into the early morning. Surrounded by tight t shirts And fresh jeans, My watch catching the neon glare, Elbows sticking to the counter, As my always dry throat Welcomes a friendly pour. Each sip slides down smoother, And as I die I feel alive. For tonight. edited by AcerSaccharum on 4/8/2020
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4/12/2020 11:16:39 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	I would start a new stanza at the end of liquor. The line breaks in this section are a really great way to evoke the halting, stumbling sensation of intoxication. I would push it even further: My in- fatuation is a dimly lit faded blurred bar shelf stocked with beautiful bottles of liquor. The image of the labels dripping into your eyes wins points for originality, but personally I’m having having trouble connecting with the fantastical nature of the image. Perhaps you could say something like: ‘my pupils fill with foam as the bartender fills my glass’ so you’re still getting that surreal quality but still using a literal image of the reflection of the filling glass in his eyes. The double T in ‘tight t shirts’ works well for evoking the taughtness. At the end i would change smoother to smooth. In smoother the TH kinda gets stuck as the onset of the second syllable smoo-ther, where as in smooth it is the coda of the closed syllable. Smoother and smooth take about the same amount of time to pronounce, but with smooth all the time is devoted to a single syllable, which makes it feel long.
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