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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/6/2020 2:01:30 AM

Jack Webster
Posts: 227
Lick a bar of steel.

Did I need to say it was cold?
Did I need to say the tongue twanged with a metallic twinge?
Did I need to describe the grey? The way the moonlight lit the fibers of the grain?

Should I should have said I felt tense,
or dull,
bored?
Mildly masochistic?

Was it enough to say
‘lick a bar of steel’?

Did the memory of the taste make you recoil,
ever so softly in your mind?
Did your lip begin to cringe?
Did you think “why do that?”
Did it leave you bewildered?

Was it like tasting life?
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3/7/2020 1:57:31 PM

AcerSaccharum
Posts: 4
I really enjoyed this, a poem about a poetic device but it came across quite clever and obviously very vivid. I like the free form of the poem, each word contributed effectively to the message. Great work!
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3/8/2020 4:00:52 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 227
Thank you, Acher!



The actual space to enter the poem is pretty minimal. It’s a singular concrete detail. The rest of it is pretty heady, though I try to cheat a little in stanza two.




Would it have worked simply as a one line poem, or are the other stanzas necessary to fit the reader through the keyhole, and if they are necessary, is the intellectual unpacking of a single concrete detail satisfying enough that the absence of other concrete details over such length of lines forgivable?
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