Poetry Forum
Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/16/2020 3:08:47 PM
Alison Hodges
Posts: 6
|
I'm trying out a more structured form for my poetry, but I feel it lost it's flow. Please tell me what would make this a better poem.
Funeral Pyre
Living inthe creek’s dark caverns.
his dwelling then had been foretold
by fairytales on nights so cold.
A promise of the things to come
were all that kept the fires fed.
Living in the creek side village,
her place was clear within the clan
to bind her with this darkened man.
to brave his ire and heal his wounds
with love’s laughter and lullabies
Raised from birth to play a lead role.
Her path was clear, her marriage set,
a passive life, a quiet death.
All was foretold when she was young
At village fires and children’s beds
She’d sat awaiting years and years.
Shortly before the marriage day,
a woman came from far away.
Her tale of women taking stands
and shunning the foreteller’s words.
The lady, she was not convinced,
By love she vowed to seize her place
and heal the man with love’s embrace
thus, avoiding the funeral pyre
Dreamers dream, they usually lose.
edited by Ananda on 2/18/2020
|
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software