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Forum Home » High Critique » R.I.P... No hold bars what do you think.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
1/26/2020 12:58:20 PM

Derek Vallandingham
Posts: 3
R.I.P
Though memories fade, how long do they last
When I think about you, try to forget my past
Wasn't just a friend, more like my brother
we were alway's down to ride & there for another
But now your gone & left your daughter behind
Don't worry bout it playa, it's as if she were mine
& it's no thing, I love that girl to death
What I would give for you to have one more breath
The day I heard the news I fell & dropped
My heart skipped a beat may of even stopped
Wish I could rewind the clock & stop the time
Because a friend like you is hard to find
Trying to keep it together, have to let you go
Got to be strong, can't let my emotions show
I'm falling apart but trying the best I can
Steady losing focus I just don't understand
Was at the top of my game, how did I fall so fast
Don't feel the same, it's like I'm wearing a mask
My future is dim don't seem very bright
Have to step out of the dark & into the light
Even though I'm hurt, this isn't the end
It's time to say goodbye, to my best friend
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1/27/2020 2:07:43 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 255
Pretend you’re a journalist observing the daughter, recording the sights and sounds of her play, of her day. Contrast the reality with what the deceased person would be doing if they were there, or what they used to do when they were there. In the final stanza stop writing as a journalist and write from first person showing how you play with the daughter.
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