Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
11/24/2019 5:50:22 AM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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Lasciviousness
Serenity enters upon her hem
Toting attentions like needful puppies
Eager to submit every breath
Ponce bathes in her fountain
Halcyon depths purifying his soul
Isolated pristine - Qing porcelain
Simmering sensuality produces
Admired luster of a Kashmir sapphire
Genuflected I yearn to become
Obsequious of all necessities and
Desires of her bestowed repertoire
Delving into her aura coaxing
Effervescent essence pour over mine
Songstress serenade inner de Bergerac
Seductress seal mine fate!
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1/1/2020 1:34:48 AM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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The elocution armors the poem as surely and as tightly as beautifully embroidered stays which render all of the lascivious human hues of flesh as pure and chaste as powder and polished silk.
If only her fan were to move the cool evening breeze across her bosom like a servant pouring cream over peaches set out in the crystal dish of night... now that might be lascivious.
edited by superlativedeleted on 1/1/2020
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1/5/2020 5:25:26 AM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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I admit that I am not the most adroit at the science of titling so I may have "missed the boat" on this one. Obviously you concur. Might you be willing to offer your expertise in opting for one more apropos to the body? Might this be the issue as to why you continue to be a bane for me? Please help a fellow poet,for a change, and spread your "wisdom" to encourage a better connection with the reader rather than condescend the author with how much more eloquently the brilliant interpret what the author is trying to convey.
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1/7/2020 1:08:47 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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The second paragraph was an example free to steal.
You love big, beautiful words. Poems don’t have to send the reader to a dictionary every line to be beautiful, and words don’t have to be from another epoch to be eloquent.
There is much more beauty in your own lust, your need and want to be loved, the frantic willingness to surrender completely to the beautiful woman that appears, to release the fear that builds up in loneliness like an inhalation that never stops but grows to bursting, the want to be safe and cradled, the privilege of letting one’s hunger out of its fine collar and run as free as a dog in a park, sniffing everything, lapping wild waters, and curling up on the earth warmed by the sun. You’ve chosen beautiful words, but it’s a little maddening to see you cheat yourself when you have something real to offer.
If you’d prefer I not respond to posts you make, simply say the word.
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1/12/2020 8:50:53 PM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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I don't feel the slightest bit "cheated" by what I write. If your third paragraph is your interpretation of my poem then it has done it's job well. As far as taking words from another epoch - "All the world can be a stage, but we are merely players" from the song Limelight, seemed to have worked well for a poetic idol of mine Neil Peart. Some of the best poetry that can be read. "Jacob's Ladder" is a fantastic poem set to moving music. You should check it out. You may enjoy - if you can get past the large vocabulary. (Maybe 3 "big beautiful words" in Lascivious. Too many? Really?)
What about the suggestion I had about maybe renaming the poem? No suggestion Mr. Webster? Rather than rewrite my perspective, how about something connecting it's audience to it's body.
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/12/2020
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/21/2020
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1/18/2020 7:40:36 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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Please don’t mistake my insight for your skill.
I have no trouble with large vocabulary. You’ve also misused the word ponce. If you’re going to disguise your poor writing with big words, at least do the reader the courtesy of actually looking them up before you attempt to use them.
Carry on, little wren;
at the right time of day
even the dust looks like gold.
I won’t burden your works anymore; having their author’s own earnest and unfailing affections, they want for absolutely nothing.
Title? “Porcelain” something beautiful, hollow, fragile, and shatters when it is disturbed.
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1/18/2020 9:04:41 PM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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Forgive me for not knowing how to put the correct ' over the e in Ponce as in Ponce' de Leon. It sounds as though you are the one fragile and disturbed Mr. Webster. I think you are funny and quite contradictory. I honestly wanted YOUR advice on the title because you had mentioned that the body didn't seem lascivious(what WAS I thinking). Instead, as usual, you take it upon yourself to bash what you didn't write. I see your comments to other and am well aware of your game. I've read your drivel and am unimpressed(as it appears is the rest of PS). Concentrate on your own craft before judging others. You have heard the old adage Mr. Webster 'those who can't do....'? Need I finish? Good day!
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/18/2020
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/18/2020
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/19/2020
edited by hempleaves13 on 1/21/2020
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1/27/2020 2:35:41 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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Little clown,
In the English language, a ponce is either a pimp, or a homosexual.
The accent mark in Ponce de León goes over the ‘o’. Ponce de León is Spanish... not English. Castillano pronounces every vowel, as matter of course. It is unnecessary to use an accent mark to indicate a vowel should be pronounced, as in French. Accent marks in Spanish indicate placement of stress. Normally stress would go on the first vowel sound, but the accent in León indicates it is placed on the second syllable. PON-se de le-ON.
If you mean to have Ponce de León make a cameo in your poem as a literal figure or as a metaphor, you need to use his full name to disambiguate it from the English word ‘ponce’.
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2/1/2020 6:21:29 AM
keith osborne
Posts: 59
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Oh Mr. Webster I have not, as of yet, resorted to disrespecting you with adolescence name calling(I could go there-and you will be butt hurt if I do). Playing the childish simpleton does not reflect your implied intelligence, therefore is not very becoming. You know what is said about an animal who is backed into a corner they can not get out from, yeah? - their true colours start showing.
If one really can not discern that Ponce, in context with fountain, is Ponce de Leon and they searched the word it would become clear. You see, he appears during the search. Also, the definition of ponce appears and shows the main definition- which is an effeminate male. Far different from a homosexual. You should know that Mr. Webster! To use slang as the main focus proves how your game revolves around your need to show how derisive and superior you fancy yourself to be. I could continue this charade, however, I am now finding you(and your useless banter) to be quite tedious.
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2/1/2020 11:28:31 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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Seriously, dude. You’re a cherry on the end of a cigarette so certain he’s a ruby he’s offended when his careless ashes singe well discerning skin.
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2/1/2020 11:31:22 PM
Jack Webster
Posts: 255
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I can only imagine your gaslighting is a tender shade that interposes itself between you and all of your days, and all the daring eyes that dare rest upon you until the cold wind of your certainty disturbs them like a frost filled wind chasing away a butterfly into the pallid field of chaff.
edited by superlativedeleted on 2/1/2020
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