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10/8/2019 1:20:03 PM Sanja Cokolic Posts: 13	Our planks were creaking, I only heard the music My body is a liquid that keeps your glass half full I'm merely there to fill the gap between episodes of a screenplayed life the need for symmetry is overdrawing a story were us could be presumptive like you said those expectations were my mirroring so your repulsion stepped out to the scene now we're sitting each in his corner shrunken as the vertical thoughts aim the heart harder like a drone released with purpose absolved of liability from the shelves of my soul you're removing belonging titles stacking your books while happiness in this head is playing a tennis match in front of an empty grandstand I'm not standing you've lent my nature disrupting the statics I stand no more I'm floating between this viscous heart and knowledge that for me you're nefarious preparing your clean exit I'll sweep hidden agenda letters which were adjusting to all of my lightheartednesses you've turned the light off and my heart became raspy as you kept introducing roles in this performance curtain is lowered I'm bringing us to the end edited by Christina Addison on 10/8/2019
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10/11/2019 6:59:26 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	Suggested edits: (Found poem 1) My body is a liquid that keeps your glass half full. The need for symmetry overdraws our story. Like you said those expectations were my mirroring. (Found poem 2) The planks of the stage were creaking. I only heard the music. Your repulsion stepped out to the scene, absolved of liability. You prepared a clean exit as you continued to introduce roles in this performance. I will not stand in front of an empty grandstand, and I turn the light off.
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10/12/2019 8:16:19 AM beto riginale Posts: 5	I enjoyed reading your work. The imagery associated with the stage, the sense of loss, despondency, anger. I admit it took me a moment, that is, reading more than the first line, to catch the imagery. But then I recalled Shakespeare "All the world's a stage" and then all was clear. Although some passages were not clear, the overall image is, in my opinion, a play with each stanza a scene or action. From my perspective, there are a couple of problems with the work I admit that I am a minimalist and fan of William Zinsser so that obviously colors my perspective. I found the constant switching between active and passive voice and between the present and the past tense detract from the emotional level of the work. Since we find out in the last lines that the play is at an end, I would put all the preceding lines in the past tense. For instance, the first line might be: Tho' the planks creaked, I heard but music also, I would move the third stanza up and change it to: I merely filled the gap between scenes of life's play to confirm that the setting is a play. Also, I would rearrange the other stanzas into a more consistent order. Now that all but the ending occurs in the past, and the play is nearly over you can move to the present: Now the curtain falls as I bring us to the end. Beto
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10/13/2019 4:34:52 AM Sanja Cokolic Posts: 13	thank you both ... english is not my first language, as I am croatian native, so it is kinda hard to express myself in a right way. Thank you.
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