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10/1/2019 10:03:16 AM Wilbert Webb Posts: 3	Born of the Cherokee man Born of the Cherokee woman As their mother and father were No blending of race to erase A full-blooded Cherokee Man Raised by a white man Without Cherokee blood Grew old in my blood Memories not to be told Now known by the tribe As a white guy Without the blood Now known by the white guy A full Cherokee Man
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10/1/2019 4:28:17 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	the rhymes between race, erase, raised are brilliant given the context of the theme. the word play between man and woman doesn't quite work for me as it comes across as more like a pun, but I'm assuming it was done this way to emphasize inclusion. (as an aside, if you order them as erase, race, raised, saying them in that order, one can feel a palpable tension grow, first the shortening from two syllables to one, then the mouth lingering on the very harsh 'z' sound in raised. The transition between all three is like a narrowing of the eyes.) i think the entire poem is too rushed. it would be nice to see it fully fleshed out. i would make the first five lines one stanza and make a line break. After line five the poem's clarity begins to break down; the combination of omitting punctuation and choosing not to use complete sentences makes it very difficult to know where one phrase is beginning and ending. Though, it seems that in many cases this may be intentional as changing the association between a particular line and the line preceding or succeeding it changes the meaning of the phrase with either being equally plausible. For instance: raised by a white man without Cherokee blood grew old in my blood 'Without Cherokee blood' could simply be emphasizing the that white man had no Cherokee ancestry, or it could be more specifically the persona felt the absence of this community; essentially the same, but grammatically different. without punctuation or a pronoun like 'I', it is not clear that the verb grew applies specifically to the persona of the poem; it is also possible that, in a poetic sense, the white man grew old in the speaker's blood as well. Perhaps this semantic ambiguity was intentional, but the fact it was intentional is not clear. Also the line 'memories not to be told' could either be about ethnic memories, ancestry that is forbidden to speak of it could refer to memories from growing up with the white guy that are forbidden to speak of. Again, 'Now known by the tribe' could either refer to a restoration of the memories of ethnic identity or it could refer to the persona becoming known by the tribe and reconnected with his community. But the lines 'as a white guy/ without the blood' seem to suggest the tribe considers the persona to be "white" because the persona wasn't raised as a cherokee, or it could be the beginning of a subordinate clause. the ambiguity is cleverly crafted, but it is a bit distracting trying to sort it all out, not in an academic sense, but a grammatical sense. the themes you're talking about have tremendous merit; it's a really complex and layered thought you've chosen, identity in the context of history, identity in the context of the present, self definition of identity, social definition of identity, wanting to return home but being marked by the journey back that was beyond your control. This poem is really just a quick sketch to get the lines and gestures down. It's time to start working on the paintings. Throw this burning spark of poetry into the heap of papers on your writing and let the fire write upon all of them. Set the desk on fire. good luck. edited by superlativedeleted on 10/1/2019
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10/2/2019 4:43:43 AM Wilbert Webb Posts: 3	Jack: Thank you for taking me from my sketch randomness to a more thoughtful path! Bert
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