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Forum Home » High Critique » O God sparkle it within us.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/8/2011 4:03:32 PM

Kurt Vella Petroni
Posts: 1
O god sparkle within us your loving nature,
fill the lamp of our soul with joyfulness!,
whisper in our hearts your ethereal blow,
purify us from any negative intention!.,

O forgive the ones who can;t see you,
they are blind,
they can't feel there heart anymore.,

O illuminate their heart with wisdom of love,
empty their minds from the artificial junk
they have stored inside,
fill their minds with inspirational thoughts
of being true earthlings,
harvest within them
the will of goodness!.
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10/22/2011 5:04:03 AM

Keith Baker
Posts: 18
The multiple punctuation marks have to go!.,'; It;'$s really distracting,. and just awful.`?. Also, and I may be wrong here, I think Earthlings should be capitalized like so because Earth in this case would be a proper noun and therefore someone from said planet should be as well, i.e. Romans, Italians, Judas Priest.
It also seems like you're talking about the Christian God so 'god' should be capitalized.

"There hearts" should be "their heart".

The entire phrase "of being true earthlings, harvest within them, the will of goodness" doesn't make any sense. First of all if you are talking about the Christian God then using a term (Earthling) made popular by science fiction writing doesn't really resonate with the whole my kingdom is not of this Earth jazz Jesus was talking about. Then harvesting this will you are talking about would be for God to take the people's will into him, it should be sow within them the will of goodness.
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