Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Critique _ An oak leaf reflects on its senescence

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

6/30/2019 9:21:36 PM Maxim Tamarov Posts: 2	An oak leaf reflects on its senescence I am a dead leaf on the ground Splendid in color, crimson, maybe, mauve. The wind might pick me up sometimes And flutter me to some location, But I express no advocacy for myself. I may float on the Charles for days And seem to add a pleasant ambiance, But as I decompose completely, realize: I never made it easier to breathe. edited by Maxim_Tamarov on 6/30/2019 edited by Maxim_Tamarov on 7/4/2019
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/2/2019 8:54:55 PM Anna Pratt Posts: 7	I really enjoyed that! Short and sweet, and nothing in there seems unnecessary. The one thing I'd change is that you misspelled breathe, and you should probably change "completely, realize" to "completely, I realize." Is it right of me to assume the message is about the futility of life, and maybe the futility of art and enjoyment ("pleasant ambiance")? If so, I liked the clear delivery of the last line. The description of the leaf was just enough for me to picture it clearly. All in all, good poem!
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/4/2019 6:12:05 PM Maxim Tamarov Posts: 2	Oops! I did misspell that verb. The "realize," however, was intended in its command form. Did you think it was stronger continuing with the reflection theme? Tinyparrot wrote: I really enjoyed that! Short and sweet, and nothing in there seems unnecessary. The one thing I'd change is that you misspelled breathe, and you should probably change "completely, realize" to "completely, I realize." Is it right of me to assume the message is about the futility of life, and maybe the futility of art and enjoyment ("pleasant ambiance")? If so, I liked the clear delivery of the last line. The description of the leaf was just enough for me to picture it clearly. All in all, good poem! edited by Maxim_Tamarov on 7/4/2019
	• permalink • reply with quote
7/14/2019 6:16:30 PM Devotchka Lovingrace Posts: 5	I really liked this so it's hard to find anything to improve on tbh. However, I might be tempted to break this into stanzas. 1st stanza ends at mauve? 2nd ends at myself? 3rd stanza ends at realise? 4th stanza last line. Either way I'd definitely split the last line from the rest, that break between realise and the last line would add a bit more of an impact. However, thats just how I tend to write so feel free to ignore me- like I said, its really hard to find flaws.
	• permalink • reply with quote