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5/31/2019 9:39:54 PM Kiran Nivedh Sarguneswaran Posts: 10	Make me drunk with the jewel of your eyes I want to bloom like cotton and save me from this demise Still you are away from me whole Seems to be lost my heart and soul In one other’s arms you and me, Nostalgia is sweat till this reminiscence comforts me Growing in me is the thought of yours, Yearning you who heals and cures Our fate keeping us away Uncanny! Turning my days gray
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9/18/2019 3:09:51 PM Mathew Jackson Posts: 2	Hi Kiran, Thanks for posting! First of all, I love the third stanza: "In one (an)other’s arms you and me, Nostalgia is sweat till reminiscence comforts me..." It rolls so well off the tongue. A sticking point with this poem is, a lack of continuity. Many of the words sound cool and carry punch, however, many of them also fall outside the context. "Make me drunk with the jewel of your eyes..." Drunk off jewels? "I want to bloom like cotton and save me from this demise..." bloom like cotton? save me from this demise? The figurative language used could use some reworking. I'm positive you can find other words that fit the phrasing better. Keep it up!
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9/19/2019 12:50:58 PM Jack Webster Posts: 255	“I want to bloom like cotton” is one of the best phrases I’ve ever read on Poetry Soup. It is perfect for a love poem. The sharp, dried husk breaking open and all the soft, white, cloud of cotton “blooming” out of the hardened shell. It is an absolutely brilliant phrase, and you MUST keep it. It is real poetry; something authentic that show original experience with the sensation. Drunk on your eyes, eyes like jewels are cliches. Maybe try to find more original ideas. Perhaps rewrite the poem from the perspective of the cotton plant as it falls in love with the light, the rain, the soil, and finally its heart breaks open and all the cotton comes out.
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