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Forum Home » High Critique » Don't hold back ;)

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/17/2019 7:18:08 AM

Sanja Cokolic
Posts: 13
Don't turn your colors on me

divulgation of your shortcomings
came too quickly

we inhabit different spectrum locations

your chambers are heated
my feet are too cold

so I run

told you I'll travel
you asked – where and if I'm going to bring you something
bought you something
and left it to myself
so I can be reminded in the end
I didn't surrender it to you

my words won't wear your surname
they are just passersby
through your warm palette
won't leave any imprint

and you threatened to
become my blueprint

it sounded like floating in sparkling lake
and annunciation of blood
is trying to suffocate me in that iron midst
as your eyes are attempting to detour from heavy conversations

that special room where
you said you've folded me
became overcrowded

so I run

instead of coming after me
your blistering penetration
fractured my muscle
and left in vast taint
which overflowed through colors
bruising the sanity of my expectancy

I did it again

by premature innocence
thought this time
you won't incinerate me

now those particles
are shading
your barriers

trying to punish me
with that silent treatment
won't dye
the sound of my colors

I'm engraved in your canvas
edited by Christina Addison on 2/17/2019
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2/17/2019 10:20:20 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 255
There is really no experience here for the reader to have.




The subject is not necessarily poorly chosen, though. Although the subject is left rather undefined.




What I would do is write a second draft, and pretend you are a newspaper reporter. Not an ordinary reporter, but a special kind of reporter that speaks in poetry. The author has had an experience, and now she has the opportunity to recreate that experience for the reader, not exactly perhaps, but filtered through the poet's unspoken insight
edited by superlativedeleted on 2/17/2019
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