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Forum Home » High Critique » Need some pointers to improve

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2/8/2019 1:57:05 PM

Tony Kirk
Posts: 5
Getting clean

this isn't about London
with its etch-o-sketch shapes
this isn’t about the city
with its razor sharp lines
cutting into the analogue sky
this isn't about Blake’s
chartered streets
groaning under the weight
of its financial institutions
This is all about me

nor is this about the time
when we were alone
in that abandoned lake house
it’s not about the rain
scratching the glass
and how our skins steamed
like half boiled kettles
it’s not about your touch
that kiss or those
gossamer threads.
it’s not about you
It never was

this is not a poem
about the unknown junkie
with lips as harsh
as an ironmongers forge
There’s no photograph of her
in my wallet
I was never the hound
but she was a bitch
over time her chemicals
became my tomb

and this is certainly not about
how you cracked the cocaine
or how you mixed it
it’s not about the filler
or how you watered It down
it’s not about how you evolved
or how you turned out
nor is it about the baking soda
It's all about my addiction
all wrapped and re wrapped
in silver foil
It’s about me getting clean
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2/8/2019 10:14:15 PM

Jack Webster
Posts: 119
Magnificent. Great flow. Great use of line breaks. Great style. Good use of metaphors and smiles. The metaphor about the addiction being wrapped and re-wrapped in silver foil is fantastic, and it's well placed at the end where it is the most memorable.





The poem has such a lovely transition from the mundane to the descent into addiction that I wish that the title didn't give away the main subject right away, that the addiction and trying to get clean was a surprise.





you try to keep the rain on window cliche fresh by describing it as scratching. I'm on the fence as to whether it works or not. the description is novel, but the image itself isn't, so it is hard to say. The half boiled kettles steaming is such a fantastic simile that it might outweigh the cliche since they are back to back, but perhaps the stanza would be stronger removing the rain on the glass. I would still include the rain though as the rain and steam together imply tbe cold. Perhaps the rain could be scratching down the backs of the weathered boards of the boathouse instead? it might fit with a sense of primal sensualitysensuality while still conspiring with the steam to convey the cold.




The hound/ bitch metaphor works, but it might be off putting to those that react to the word bitch. Since the stanza closes with the idea of death and chemicals maybe the image of a witch would still convey the sentiment and also tie into the idea of chemicals, potions, poison - the boathouse could suddenly be a gingerbread house with no escape and no trail of breadcrumbs to find ones way back from. Though, i think going full Hansel and Gretel would take the poem out of its beautifully grounded voice. Just exploring.




Great, great, great. Remember to review capitalization and punctuation.
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2/14/2019 12:53:54 PM

Tony Kirk
Posts: 5
superlativedeleted wrote:
Magnificent. Great flow. Great use of line breaks. Great style. Good use of metaphors and smiles. The metaphor about the addiction being wrapped and re-wrapped in silver foil is fantastic, and it's well placed at the end where it is the most memorable.





The poem has such a lovely transition from the mundane to the descent into addiction that I wish that the title didn't give away the main subject right away, that the addiction and trying to get clean was a surprise.





you try to keep the rain on window cliche fresh by describing it as scratching. I'm on the fence as to whether it works or not. the description is novel, but the image itself isn't, so it is hard to say. The half boiled kettles steaming is such a fantastic simile that it might outweigh the cliche since they are back to back, but perhaps the stanza would be stronger removing the rain on the glass. I would still include the rain though as the rain and steam together imply tbe cold. Perhaps the rain could be scratching down the backs of the weathered boards of the boathouse instead? it might fit with a sense of primal sensualitysensuality while still conspiring with the steam to convey the cold.




The hound/ bitch metaphor works, but it might be off putting to those that react to the word bitch. Since the stanza closes with the idea of death and chemicals maybe the image of a witch would still convey the sentiment and also tie into the idea of chemicals, potions, poison - the boathouse could suddenly be a gingerbread house with no escape and no trail of breadcrumbs to find ones way back from. Though, i think going full Hansel and Gretel would take the poem out of its beautifully grounded voice. Just exploring.




Great, great, great. Remember to review capitalization and punctuation.
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2/14/2019 12:56:17 PM

Tony Kirk
Posts: 5
Thanks for you great feedback I have taken on board what you have said. Many thanks for your time
Tony
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